Through to the other side

The last time I wrote in this blog everything was becoming darker and darker and I had to concentrate on just keeping it together and to hold on. In the past 4 years I've been working my way back. Back to myself, back to being able to love again, back to feeling not so afraid, back to my creativity, back to being able feel joy again. Putting the pieces back together. Not good as new, but good as lived. Every crack and scar a testament to survival. That I am not letting what hurt me, break me. I now look at everything as: that was then, this is now... and now... and now...   I will survive by always looking to the light, by looking for the joy and not let the sorrow of yesterday take away the beauty that is right in front of me today.

So Lost

I lost my job, I lost my best friend & husband, I lost my father, and now I am losing my home. Pieces of me, chipped away. So many that I cannot recognize my life anymore - just a broken, shattered pile of pieces left. Some of those pieces gone forever and I am losing myself. I feel so small. A small, small, frightened, confused child and I am lost. So lost  I can't find my way back. Every time I try to move forward, I cannot find the right direction - each way I go I run into dead ends, road blocks, hazards, and blind alleys. I don't think I can go on any further. I am tired. So, so tired.

Loneliness

A terrible feeling of loneliness has been getting worse, and worse. I miss Paul so much, I miss having him here to embrace whenever I feel afraid and unsure. To endure the terrible and hard things with me. To help me work things out. To help me feel that everything will be ok. My depression and anxiety has caused me to avoid my situation and now things are becoming more and more messed up. I haven't been able to find a full time job or acquire enough freelance / commission work to keep up with my bills. I am being evicted because I can't pay my mortgage. I owe income taxes because I haven't been able to pay them and take care of myself, my mother, my dog, my cat. I miss having someone to share daily things with, good and bad like "some guy cut me off driving to the store today" "the sunset is beautiful today" "I was looking for my glasses and I had them on top of my head the whole time" or to go to things with, like events in town, or to the orchard, or farm market. I miss Paul not being around for wonderful family events like new babies and weddings. I can picture the smile on his face and what he would say and do, but it saddens me that he is not here to share it. I miss having someone to cook for and do things for. I miss someone telling me I look nice in the morning or smile at me and tell me I left my earrings in as I climb into bed. I am trying so hard, but I'm having trouble doing it alone. Everything hurts so much and I am ashamed and embarrassed that I cannot do things myself. I feel like I should be stronger, but I am weak and I feel overwhelmed like I am drowning in quicksand or caught in a riptide and cannot get to shore. Everything that used to bring me joy, only brings me sadness because it makes me miss having Paul here to share it with. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. It is too hard to have to deal with all of these things. To have the strength to deal with my grieving the loss of my husband plus my father, my livelihood, my home. Everything is falling apart around me and I have no money to take care of it. My car is falling apart, my house is falling apart, my lawn mower broke, my vacuum cleaner broke, my dryer broke, my well-water filter/softener system broke, I haven't gotten new glasses in over 5 years and it's getting harder to see at night. It's hard wanting to buy birthday or special event gifts and not being able to. Not being able to go out to dinner with friends and pay. I feel like I have failed and I am failing and I am paralyzed by fear and I'm not strong enough to keep going. It is making me sick and I cannot stop it. I am trying so hard, but it would be nice for something good to come my way. Can I please get a break?

It's the little things

I was complaining about the snow today and while I was cleaning the car of the white stuff I noticed it was wet heavy snow - the kind that makes a good snowman. That made me think about how much Paul loved the snow. He would open the curtains and watch the snow transform the landscape into something pristine, white and beautiful. He would be concerned about the birds and put birdseed on the deck for them. He liked taking walks in the snow,  he even liked to shovel the snow. He loved all the seasons. He'd be all excited the first warm day of the year and we could open all the windows. He loved watching storms coming in the summer. He'd turn off all the lights so he could better see the lighting in the distance. Even during a hurricane, he'd be at the window, watching the trees whipping around. He loved sunny days when he could ride his lawn mower, then kick back in the hammock. He loved how the trees changed in the fall and we'd take drives down skyline drive. I miss that & I miss him. I've got to try to make myself enjoy things again, the little things.

Not better

I'm having a very hard day today. The anniversary of Paul's death Nov 4 seems to be the start of my slide backwards. Ive been going thru periods of not being able to do anything to powering thru to catch up where I fell behind. Pretending I'm ok when I see people. It's been eating away at my sanity. Today I woke feeling anxious, sick, fearful & I haven't been able to motivate myself to do anything - even though I have many many commitments I've made and as a result many deadlines that are coming due or have past and I can't take care of because I'm paralyzed by anxiety, overwhelming feeling of drowning, and I miss Paul so very much. He made me feel loved, safe, and happy. I feel guilty that I couldn't help him more. I wish I could've been stronger for him. I tried so hard.  I try to force myself to move forward - to make myself seem ok, to try to act normal but I think it's not working. I spent most of today trying distract my mind but it's not working. I'm so tired and overwhelmed that I can't do it anymore. I'm not strong enough. I am weak. I can't do it myself and I feel ashamed that I can't take care of myself. Most of my day today has been spent crying & I can't turn it off. I feel like a scared little girl, lost and all alone. 

A year ago today

A year ago today I lost my best friend. I held him in my arms, kissed him and told him I loved him as he died. It doesn't feel like it was a whole year ago - feels like it just happened and I miss him so much. I still don't know what I'm going to do now. I still don't know how to live. Still caught in a rip tide and can't make my way back to shore. 

It's not fair how he suffered with his cancer. I know it's not my fault but I still feel I should've done more. We were both so scared and sad about losing each other. He would cry and tell me he didn't want to die and he was going to miss me. What do you say to that?  All I could do was cry and tell him I didn't want him to die and I was was going to miss him so much. I didn't know how to be stronger - how to comfort him so he could be at peace. I still don't know. The only thing I could do was to hold him, be with him, so he was not alone. 

And now I am alone.

I hope there is a heaven and he is there, at peace and happy. With his Mother, Father & Sister. I hope he knows how much I love him. How much I will always love him. 

Coffee in bed

Paul used to bring me coffee & sometimes toast on the mornings. That small act made me feel loved & special. It has been so hard getting out if bed without that. So many things missing from my life without him. So it's been over a year since I've had coffee/breakfast in bed :-(

This morning I woke up around 6:30 & laid in bed with Cassie on the floor next to me & Trouble purring curled up next to me. So this frosty morning I decided to get myself some coffee & toast & climb back in bed. I checked out Pinterest & blogs & Facebook with Trouble & Cassie next to me. Feeding Cassie toast crusts & petting Trouble. Wish Paul was here - but he will never be here again & I'm still trying to figure out my new normal.