Through to the other side

The last time I wrote in this blog everything was becoming darker and darker and I had to concentrate on just keeping it together and to hold on. In the past 4 years I've been working my way back. Back to myself, back to being able to love again, back to feeling not so afraid, back to my creativity, back to being able feel joy again. Putting the pieces back together. Not good as new, but good as lived. Every crack and scar a testament to survival. That I am not letting what hurt me, break me. I now look at everything as: that was then, this is now... and now... and now...   I will survive by always looking to the light, by looking for the joy and not let the sorrow of yesterday take away the beauty that is right in front of me today.

So Lost

I lost my job, I lost my best friend & husband, I lost my father, and now I am losing my home. Pieces of me, chipped away. So many that I cannot recognize my life anymore - just a broken, shattered pile of pieces left. Some of those pieces gone forever and I am losing myself. I feel so small. A small, small, frightened, confused child and I am lost. So lost  I can't find my way back. Every time I try to move forward, I cannot find the right direction - each way I go I run into dead ends, road blocks, hazards, and blind alleys. I don't think I can go on any further. I am tired. So, so tired.

Loneliness

A terrible feeling of loneliness has been getting worse, and worse. I miss Paul so much, I miss having him here to embrace whenever I feel afraid and unsure. To endure the terrible and hard things with me. To help me work things out. To help me feel that everything will be ok. My depression and anxiety has caused me to avoid my situation and now things are becoming more and more messed up. I haven't been able to find a full time job or acquire enough freelance / commission work to keep up with my bills. I am being evicted because I can't pay my mortgage. I owe income taxes because I haven't been able to pay them and take care of myself, my mother, my dog, my cat. I miss having someone to share daily things with, good and bad like "some guy cut me off driving to the store today" "the sunset is beautiful today" "I was looking for my glasses and I had them on top of my head the whole time" or to go to things with, like events in town, or to the orchard, or farm market. I miss Paul not being around for wonderful family events like new babies and weddings. I can picture the smile on his face and what he would say and do, but it saddens me that he is not here to share it. I miss having someone to cook for and do things for. I miss someone telling me I look nice in the morning or smile at me and tell me I left my earrings in as I climb into bed. I am trying so hard, but I'm having trouble doing it alone. Everything hurts so much and I am ashamed and embarrassed that I cannot do things myself. I feel like I should be stronger, but I am weak and I feel overwhelmed like I am drowning in quicksand or caught in a riptide and cannot get to shore. Everything that used to bring me joy, only brings me sadness because it makes me miss having Paul here to share it with. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. It is too hard to have to deal with all of these things. To have the strength to deal with my grieving the loss of my husband plus my father, my livelihood, my home. Everything is falling apart around me and I have no money to take care of it. My car is falling apart, my house is falling apart, my lawn mower broke, my vacuum cleaner broke, my dryer broke, my well-water filter/softener system broke, I haven't gotten new glasses in over 5 years and it's getting harder to see at night. It's hard wanting to buy birthday or special event gifts and not being able to. Not being able to go out to dinner with friends and pay. I feel like I have failed and I am failing and I am paralyzed by fear and I'm not strong enough to keep going. It is making me sick and I cannot stop it. I am trying so hard, but it would be nice for something good to come my way. Can I please get a break?

It's the little things

I was complaining about the snow today and while I was cleaning the car of the white stuff I noticed it was wet heavy snow - the kind that makes a good snowman. That made me think about how much Paul loved the snow. He would open the curtains and watch the snow transform the landscape into something pristine, white and beautiful. He would be concerned about the birds and put birdseed on the deck for them. He liked taking walks in the snow,  he even liked to shovel the snow. He loved all the seasons. He'd be all excited the first warm day of the year and we could open all the windows. He loved watching storms coming in the summer. He'd turn off all the lights so he could better see the lighting in the distance. Even during a hurricane, he'd be at the window, watching the trees whipping around. He loved sunny days when he could ride his lawn mower, then kick back in the hammock. He loved how the trees changed in the fall and we'd take drives down skyline drive. I miss that & I miss him. I've got to try to make myself enjoy things again, the little things.

Not better

I'm having a very hard day today. The anniversary of Paul's death Nov 4 seems to be the start of my slide backwards. Ive been going thru periods of not being able to do anything to powering thru to catch up where I fell behind. Pretending I'm ok when I see people. It's been eating away at my sanity. Today I woke feeling anxious, sick, fearful & I haven't been able to motivate myself to do anything - even though I have many many commitments I've made and as a result many deadlines that are coming due or have past and I can't take care of because I'm paralyzed by anxiety, overwhelming feeling of drowning, and I miss Paul so very much. He made me feel loved, safe, and happy. I feel guilty that I couldn't help him more. I wish I could've been stronger for him. I tried so hard.  I try to force myself to move forward - to make myself seem ok, to try to act normal but I think it's not working. I spent most of today trying distract my mind but it's not working. I'm so tired and overwhelmed that I can't do it anymore. I'm not strong enough. I am weak. I can't do it myself and I feel ashamed that I can't take care of myself. Most of my day today has been spent crying & I can't turn it off. I feel like a scared little girl, lost and all alone. 

A year ago today

A year ago today I lost my best friend. I held him in my arms, kissed him and told him I loved him as he died. It doesn't feel like it was a whole year ago - feels like it just happened and I miss him so much. I still don't know what I'm going to do now. I still don't know how to live. Still caught in a rip tide and can't make my way back to shore. 

It's not fair how he suffered with his cancer. I know it's not my fault but I still feel I should've done more. We were both so scared and sad about losing each other. He would cry and tell me he didn't want to die and he was going to miss me. What do you say to that?  All I could do was cry and tell him I didn't want him to die and I was was going to miss him so much. I didn't know how to be stronger - how to comfort him so he could be at peace. I still don't know. The only thing I could do was to hold him, be with him, so he was not alone. 

And now I am alone.

I hope there is a heaven and he is there, at peace and happy. With his Mother, Father & Sister. I hope he knows how much I love him. How much I will always love him. 

Coffee in bed

Paul used to bring me coffee & sometimes toast on the mornings. That small act made me feel loved & special. It has been so hard getting out if bed without that. So many things missing from my life without him. So it's been over a year since I've had coffee/breakfast in bed :-(

This morning I woke up around 6:30 & laid in bed with Cassie on the floor next to me & Trouble purring curled up next to me. So this frosty morning I decided to get myself some coffee & toast & climb back in bed. I checked out Pinterest & blogs & Facebook with Trouble & Cassie next to me. Feeding Cassie toast crusts & petting Trouble. Wish Paul was here - but he will never be here again & I'm still trying to figure out my new normal. 

I really miss Paul's hugs. I just wish I could have him hold me now. I feel like I am getting smaller & smaller. Weaker & weaker.

Grief is like a moving river, so that's what I mean by it's always changing. It's a strange thing to say because I'm at heart an optimistic person, but I would say in some ways it just gets worse. It's just that the more time that passes, the more you miss someone.
Michelle Williams 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/river_2.html#Bccz1lyQdJlKUyum.99

I long so much to be able to hold each other again - hurts so much I actually ache. Still feel like it just happened.

I saw a Winnie the Pooh quote on Facebook, and I thought that it described me and Paul. I started looking up quotes and they made me cry, because that's exactly how we felt about each other. We were Winnie the Pooh and Piglet, best friends.

I miss so much Paul. It's too hard to move along without you.

Am I selfish?

I grew up in Jersey, within 1/2 hour drive from the Seaside Boardwalk - the Jersey Shore. Much time in the summer spent there. It was devastated last October, during the hurricane. I was in the hospital with Paul as he lay dying. Within 3 weeds my father was gone. 3 months later my aunt passed away. I still have no full time job. When the boardwalk reopened on Memorial Day after a lot of hard work it was glimmer of hope for me. That rebuilding is possible. Moving forward is possible. Yesterday a 6 alarm fire reduced it to ash. And all I can feel is how muchore loss can I take? How could I be so selfish? Those poor people who own and work at those businesses I cant imagine having the strength to rebuild a 2nd time

Adrift at sea, alone & lost

I really miss Paul. This giant, gaping hole in my life is so painful. After being together for 25 years I had become very dependent on him and I thought that was OK because he was just as dependent on me. We had evolved into this loving symbiotic relationship that now without him I don't know how to live. Intellectually I know, but emotionally I have no clue. The way we divided up the everyday things was like this: If there was something I didn't like to do, like cleaning or mowing the lawn but Paul didn't mind, or like to do, then it became his job. If there was something he didn't like to do, like cooking or gardening then I did it, since I like cooking and gardening. And so forth. If it was something we both didn't like to do, we did it together.
We had become in sync with each other's thinking. Sometimes we would be sitting there watching TV and would think to myself "we haven't heard from so-and-so lately, maybe we should invite them over"and before I can open my mouth to say it, he would pipe up "we haven't heard form so-and-so lately, maybe we should call them and see if they want to come over". When our cat showed up and decided to stay we were trying to think of a name for her. One evening when I got home from work, she came bounding across the yard and hopped up on the fence to follow me to the door, I thought "Here comes trouble!"and I thought that would be a good name for her. When I walked into the door, and said hello to Paul, I told him I thought of a name for the cat, and before I said it he said "How about Trouble?"
Being so connected to someone and then losing that person, losing that connection, feels like I lost half of myself, and I've been trying to figure out how live without that support, that connection - it is very lonely.
I feel like we were in a boat, rowing together the waters of life, and now he is gone, I am in this boat alone, with one oar, paddling in circles, drifting farther and farther out to sea, alone. I don't know how to get back on course and I am tired, so tired.
I am really trying though - not giving up, I hope I have the strength.

Interviews

Looking for a full time job is tough & the interview process has gotten harder since I interviewed 12 years ago. The personality questions really catch me off guard. I should probably go through a list of these questions and study and practice. I always seem to think they will ask me more about my past job experiences, what I did, what I know how to do. Those questions I can answer.
Questions like
What did you like most about your last position? Ok that one is not that hard
What did you like least about your last position? This one is hard, because it's basically asking you to be negative, which seems counter productive.
What are you most proud of? That one is hard for me, especially after all these years of working. I don't keep a list, or gloat. I'm glad when I have a good day, when things go well, and the end result is a satisfactory one. Each day is a new day with new challenges.   :::shrug:::
Do you consider yourself a leader or follower?
I hate that question because I don't like the concept of leader and follower. Especially since follower has become a negative connotation. But what good does it do to have too many chiefs? To me I like the idea of a team. Some people are the organizers & motivators, but everyone is important and I've served in both roles and have no problem with one or the other. Probably the big thing I would trouble with being a "Leader" would be if I was expected to "keep people in line" Which if we are all adults, shouldn't be needed.
Drives me crazy.
Plus, I've gotten comments on several interviews that the position doesn't entail a lot of design, even though they advertised for a designer, they really just want someone who knows how to use the design programs to put things together. Well the reason people learn design programs is so that they can design. Hmmm...
Unfortunately I have no Paul here to share all this with.

Trying to lift

After several weeks of sinus infection then dealing with antibiotics making me sick & dealing with sinking into deeper depression, fighting it. Feeling like I'm drowning and with being sick I don't have the strength to keep afloat. Today I'm feeling a little better. Tried some yoga - trying to curb my inner critic & not getting down on myself for not doing better. We'll see how it goes.

How long will this last?

I'm still missing my best friend. It still feels like it just happened. I try to get myself to do normal things but nothing feels normal. It is all hollow. Without someone to share it with it means nothing. Everything means nothing. Taking care of the house, artwork, cooking, shopping, looking at the sunset, enjoying a nice day - all of it. No longer having someone to share all the minutiae of everyday life hurts so much. Not having him here to talk to when good things happen or if I'm having trouble making a decision or to share a joke or to share a good meal or hold onto when I'm anxious or frightened. I don't know how much more I can handle.

Alone

I feel so alone. I am so, so lonely.

Loving life - such a hard thing to do right now.

One of the most wonderful things about Paul was his his love of life. All the "little things" gave him joy. Opening up the house for the first time in the spring and letting in the warm breeze, a trip to the ice cream stand with his niece, spending time with his family, going to the track to watch his son & grandson race, watching the snow cover everything with a soft white blanket, watching a hummingbird at the feeder, relaxing in his hammock, camping, hot tubs, the beach, completing a puzzle, solitaire, good food, good wine, music, spending time with friends and laughter. He had the greatest smile and a wonderful infectious laugh. It was hard not to smile when he was around.
Now I feel empty and these things can make me miss him so much. I understand that in time, I will enjoy life again and these things will be fond memories for me - but right now they are reminders of what is missing. Like a giant crater of a sink hole where his love used to be.

When will it get easier?

People say it will get easier - that is what I hang on to because the thought of feeling this way for the rest of my life would be unendurable. The terrible loneliness is so painful. I cannot imagine an amputation could hurt worse than this. I miss him so much. Paul was part of my everyday and my everything and nothing has meaning anymore. I try to hang on to family and friends like a floatation device and I'm in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. Sharks are circling, wanting to feed on my sanity. Sometimes I'm so tired I feel like I cannot hang on anymore. So tired... I can end it right now and just let go & slip onto the water and let the sharks have me. Then my suffering can end & Paul and I can be together again.