Getting harder

When death first happens reality is distorted, it's unreal. Your mind just can't grasp it. Then as you try to do every day normal things the realization that's it's not normal. It's as abnormal as a cancer - distorted, gross, and painful. I can't imagine being happy again.

Good night my Sweetheart

The love of my life and my best friend joined his parents and sister in heaven this afternoon. I've cried so much these past weeks, my eyes are dry now. Just a terrible hollow feeling inside where my heart used to be. With my family and friends I think I'll be alright. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I don't know what day it is

It's 6am and I've been living in this hospital with Paul for over 2 weeks - I am so tired and feel so hopeless. I'm so glad I've got family around me because otherwise I would lose myself drowning in my sorrow.

Still hanging on

Paul is still hanging on. Even though the doctors say he's not in any pain I worry about it. I worry about him being frightened. I worry about him trying to hang on for me, but his body is deteriorating so there is no way he's going to get better and it's killing me to see him like this. Since they say he can still hear us I tried to tell him that I'll be alright & even though I want him to stay his body is not going to cooperate, so it's ok to go. That he can go and be with his parents and his sister and I'll see him again later. But you know he always has his own ideas.

Happy time

This is a photo of Paul in June at Ryan's first road race. I love this wonderful smile. Is there any wonder I fell in love? It helps to think of him like this.

Friday Nov 2

Paul continues to get weaker and his breathing is changing. He no longer regains consciousness and he is now on a schedule of pain medicine and a relaxer to try to keep him comfortable. I don't know what I would do without Lauren staying here with me overnights. Family is saving me.

Giving Thanks?

Now that is November I see people on FB starting thankfulness post & it's hard for me to be thankful while I'm sitting here watching my husband dying before my eyes. But I'm thankful for the 25 years we've been together and the love and laughter and tears and the warm company of friends and days of togetherness and missing each other when we are apart and and the adventures we would go on and the feeling of partnership and knowing what each other was thinking. I'm grateful for the love we shared. And now I'm even more grateful for family and friends that are helping me through this. Thank you.