How long does it take? The devil is in the details.

Well it seems that in talking to counselors and what I read, it'll probably be at least a year that I will be feeling this way. I kinda feel like I don't have that long. It's a prison sentence for me, I might as well rob a bank, and just spend that time in prison. Well I guess robbing a bank has a longer than 1 year in jail, I'll have to find something that has a year long jail sentence.

I was thinking about amputees and the grief they feel over a lost limb, or limbs and how their lives would never be the same again. I wonder if its the same feeling, or which is worse. I feel like I've lost a large part of me, like I might've well lost a leg or an arm. I cannot imagine it hurts worse than this. I swear I feel like if satan came to me while Paul was sick and told me that I could have Paul for 10 more years in perfect health and then in 10 years when it was his time to die, it would be quick and painless, but the price would be one of my legs, I would've made that deal in an instant, without even thinking about it. Here, take my leg! I need Paul more than I need a leg, that's for sure!

Guilt and forgiveness

I am always riddled with guilt, that I'm not doing it right. That I should've done things differently, that I should've been stronger, braver, smarter. It's not that I don't try, I just never seem to be enough - to myself. I've always second guessed myself and that has become worse since Paul's illness & death. He was so scared and I tried so hard to take care of him and comfort him but I was also so scared I'm afraid it wasn't enough. I love him so much. I wish I could've been stronger for him.
This terrible guilt and sorrow is making me so sick, I'm finding it very difficult to function. I saw this article, and I realize that I need to figure out how to forgive myself in order to move on. But I don't know how.

http://www.purposefairy.com/5685/6-things-you-should-forgive-yourself-for/

I miss you my love

Happy Valentines Day, my Love. I miss you and love you very much.

lonely

I miss him so much, I don't know how to deal with day to day things with out him - I am so lonely & I feel like it's getting worse, not better. Very, very painful.

Stuck

The past few days have been very hard. It still feels like it just happened, not 2-1/2 months ago. I'm stuck in this state of  dispair. I miss him do much. I am missing a huge piece of me-like I have been disabled, severely scarred and I can't move forward. It is so painful.

It's a wonderful thing when you marry your best friend

I really, really miss my best friend.

Lonely

I miss Paul so much and I feel so lonely. I cannot do anything around the house without thinking about him and missing him. I wish I could move out of this house and start over, I just feel so stuck. Even though he's been gone for over 2 months, I still feel like it just happened. The pain is unbearable.