Happy New Year

2012 has been a very hard year for me. It's been hard for my family. I want to thank those who have been there for me, I love you all. 2013 is the start of a new life for me not of my own choosing but I know with the love of my family & friends I will survive. Thank you and Happy New Year.

So long 2012

Dear 2012,

You REALLY REALLY SUCKED! My heart is broken into a million pieces. And I hate you! Good riddance!

Dear 2013,

Please be nice to me. I don't think I can take any more. 

The sound of breaking hearts is deafening

Another mass shooting, this time in Connecticut, this time it's little children. I know their families in shock, I know their pain is overwhelming, I know they feel a large piece of them is gone.
I know.
My tears for them mixes with my tears of my own sadness and the anguish is terrible.
I know.
Our loved ones ripped from our lives, our hearts ripped from our bodies.
Then the survivor's guilt - should I have done something differently? Could this have been prevented? I should've said "I love you" more. I should've said "I'm sorry" Why couldn't I protect them from this? Why is this happening?
Why?
I'm so sorry for you. I know you are in despair.
I know.
And yet each of our pain is truly our own.

I'm in a lot of pain today

Paul didn't want a memorial service, he wanted us to have a party. So I mustered up the will to put it together. I had the help of some awesome friends and family and it seemed to come out well.
But now that it is over, it's just made me miss him even more. He loved throwing parties, and he would've enjoyed yesterday with all his favorite people there, enjoying themselves. I managed to keep my chin up, but as the day went on, I could feel my resolve slipping away and I did my best to keep it together. I woke up this morning feeling terrible, headachy an miserable, but I tried to keep it together since my sister and her family were here. Now they have left for their long drive home and the pain is unbearable. Usually after one of our get togethers, Paul and I would sit and relax and talk about how much fun it was and about the  people that came and the stories that were told and even start planning the next one. We were so intertwined that without him I just feel like half a person.
My heart aches so bad my chest physically hurts. The sadness is unbearable. I don't think I can do this.

Another death in the family.

Spent the holiday weekend with family and friends. I'm glad I wasn't alone but I really miss Paul. Then last night my Father died. He had been sick for quite a while.  The hits just keep coming.

Double edged sword

It is a double edged sword. I was lucky enough to be in a relationship with someone who was also my best friend. It is a special thing to have someone who you know loves you, likes being with you, knows you, gets you, encourages you, respects you, accepts you, takes care of you, makes you laugh, comforts you and so much more that words can't describe AND that he knows you feel the same way about him. We were partners in crime, had adventures together, attracted to each other and liked just being together. It was a wonderful thing. That is a HUGE thing to lose. My life feels empty now, incomplete and I feel lost. I would've rather lost and arm or a leg than to lose him and the pain is more than I can bear. I am trying so hard to keep from drowning, but there are times I don't know if I'll make it.

I took a trip to spend the weekend with my sister and her family. It was hard to make the 5 hour drive all by myself, and I didn't even have my love to call on rest stops to make me feel better. It was good seeing my sister and her family, and to spend time with her, but not as much fun as a trip would usually be. We went to see our Dad, who is sick with lymphoma. We've been kinda estranged for several years, but I thought it was better to go see him, so I would have no regrets when he was gone, which looks like it could be soon. He seems to be starting to eat again, which is a good sign, maybe he'll hang around for a while longer. I feel guilty leaving his care up to my sister, but I know she can handle him better than I could. And I'm taking care of Mom. It was really hard coming back home, without him here to greet me, without him here to miss me. I miss having someone who is so close to me that can miss me and be happy to see me again. I really miss having that feeling of love. I don't know if I'm strong enough keep going, but I'm trying.