Adrift at sea, alone & lost

I really miss Paul. This giant, gaping hole in my life is so painful. After being together for 25 years I had become very dependent on him and I thought that was OK because he was just as dependent on me. We had evolved into this loving symbiotic relationship that now without him I don't know how to live. Intellectually I know, but emotionally I have no clue. The way we divided up the everyday things was like this: If there was something I didn't like to do, like cleaning or mowing the lawn but Paul didn't mind, or like to do, then it became his job. If there was something he didn't like to do, like cooking or gardening then I did it, since I like cooking and gardening. And so forth. If it was something we both didn't like to do, we did it together.
We had become in sync with each other's thinking. Sometimes we would be sitting there watching TV and would think to myself "we haven't heard from so-and-so lately, maybe we should invite them over"and before I can open my mouth to say it, he would pipe up "we haven't heard form so-and-so lately, maybe we should call them and see if they want to come over". When our cat showed up and decided to stay we were trying to think of a name for her. One evening when I got home from work, she came bounding across the yard and hopped up on the fence to follow me to the door, I thought "Here comes trouble!"and I thought that would be a good name for her. When I walked into the door, and said hello to Paul, I told him I thought of a name for the cat, and before I said it he said "How about Trouble?"
Being so connected to someone and then losing that person, losing that connection, feels like I lost half of myself, and I've been trying to figure out how live without that support, that connection - it is very lonely.
I feel like we were in a boat, rowing together the waters of life, and now he is gone, I am in this boat alone, with one oar, paddling in circles, drifting farther and farther out to sea, alone. I don't know how to get back on course and I am tired, so tired.
I am really trying though - not giving up, I hope I have the strength.

Interviews

Looking for a full time job is tough & the interview process has gotten harder since I interviewed 12 years ago. The personality questions really catch me off guard. I should probably go through a list of these questions and study and practice. I always seem to think they will ask me more about my past job experiences, what I did, what I know how to do. Those questions I can answer.
Questions like
What did you like most about your last position? Ok that one is not that hard
What did you like least about your last position? This one is hard, because it's basically asking you to be negative, which seems counter productive.
What are you most proud of? That one is hard for me, especially after all these years of working. I don't keep a list, or gloat. I'm glad when I have a good day, when things go well, and the end result is a satisfactory one. Each day is a new day with new challenges.   :::shrug:::
Do you consider yourself a leader or follower?
I hate that question because I don't like the concept of leader and follower. Especially since follower has become a negative connotation. But what good does it do to have too many chiefs? To me I like the idea of a team. Some people are the organizers & motivators, but everyone is important and I've served in both roles and have no problem with one or the other. Probably the big thing I would trouble with being a "Leader" would be if I was expected to "keep people in line" Which if we are all adults, shouldn't be needed.
Drives me crazy.
Plus, I've gotten comments on several interviews that the position doesn't entail a lot of design, even though they advertised for a designer, they really just want someone who knows how to use the design programs to put things together. Well the reason people learn design programs is so that they can design. Hmmm...
Unfortunately I have no Paul here to share all this with.

Trying to lift

After several weeks of sinus infection then dealing with antibiotics making me sick & dealing with sinking into deeper depression, fighting it. Feeling like I'm drowning and with being sick I don't have the strength to keep afloat. Today I'm feeling a little better. Tried some yoga - trying to curb my inner critic & not getting down on myself for not doing better. We'll see how it goes.

How long will this last?

I'm still missing my best friend. It still feels like it just happened. I try to get myself to do normal things but nothing feels normal. It is all hollow. Without someone to share it with it means nothing. Everything means nothing. Taking care of the house, artwork, cooking, shopping, looking at the sunset, enjoying a nice day - all of it. No longer having someone to share all the minutiae of everyday life hurts so much. Not having him here to talk to when good things happen or if I'm having trouble making a decision or to share a joke or to share a good meal or hold onto when I'm anxious or frightened. I don't know how much more I can handle.

Alone

I feel so alone. I am so, so lonely.

Loving life - such a hard thing to do right now.

One of the most wonderful things about Paul was his his love of life. All the "little things" gave him joy. Opening up the house for the first time in the spring and letting in the warm breeze, a trip to the ice cream stand with his niece, spending time with his family, going to the track to watch his son & grandson race, watching the snow cover everything with a soft white blanket, watching a hummingbird at the feeder, relaxing in his hammock, camping, hot tubs, the beach, completing a puzzle, solitaire, good food, good wine, music, spending time with friends and laughter. He had the greatest smile and a wonderful infectious laugh. It was hard not to smile when he was around.
Now I feel empty and these things can make me miss him so much. I understand that in time, I will enjoy life again and these things will be fond memories for me - but right now they are reminders of what is missing. Like a giant crater of a sink hole where his love used to be.

When will it get easier?

People say it will get easier - that is what I hang on to because the thought of feeling this way for the rest of my life would be unendurable. The terrible loneliness is so painful. I cannot imagine an amputation could hurt worse than this. I miss him so much. Paul was part of my everyday and my everything and nothing has meaning anymore. I try to hang on to family and friends like a floatation device and I'm in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. Sharks are circling, wanting to feed on my sanity. Sometimes I'm so tired I feel like I cannot hang on anymore. So tired... I can end it right now and just let go & slip onto the water and let the sharks have me. Then my suffering can end & Paul and I can be together again.