It's the little things

I was complaining about the snow today and while I was cleaning the car of the white stuff I noticed it was wet heavy snow - the kind that makes a good snowman. That made me think about how much Paul loved the snow. He would open the curtains and watch the snow transform the landscape into something pristine, white and beautiful. He would be concerned about the birds and put birdseed on the deck for them. He liked taking walks in the snow,  he even liked to shovel the snow. He loved all the seasons. He'd be all excited the first warm day of the year and we could open all the windows. He loved watching storms coming in the summer. He'd turn off all the lights so he could better see the lighting in the distance. Even during a hurricane, he'd be at the window, watching the trees whipping around. He loved sunny days when he could ride his lawn mower, then kick back in the hammock. He loved how the trees changed in the fall and we'd take drives down skyline drive. I miss that & I miss him. I've got to try to make myself enjoy things again, the little things.

Not better

I'm having a very hard day today. The anniversary of Paul's death Nov 4 seems to be the start of my slide backwards. Ive been going thru periods of not being able to do anything to powering thru to catch up where I fell behind. Pretending I'm ok when I see people. It's been eating away at my sanity. Today I woke feeling anxious, sick, fearful & I haven't been able to motivate myself to do anything - even though I have many many commitments I've made and as a result many deadlines that are coming due or have past and I can't take care of because I'm paralyzed by anxiety, overwhelming feeling of drowning, and I miss Paul so very much. He made me feel loved, safe, and happy. I feel guilty that I couldn't help him more. I wish I could've been stronger for him. I tried so hard.  I try to force myself to move forward - to make myself seem ok, to try to act normal but I think it's not working. I spent most of today trying distract my mind but it's not working. I'm so tired and overwhelmed that I can't do it anymore. I'm not strong enough. I am weak. I can't do it myself and I feel ashamed that I can't take care of myself. Most of my day today has been spent crying & I can't turn it off. I feel like a scared little girl, lost and all alone. 

A year ago today

A year ago today I lost my best friend. I held him in my arms, kissed him and told him I loved him as he died. It doesn't feel like it was a whole year ago - feels like it just happened and I miss him so much. I still don't know what I'm going to do now. I still don't know how to live. Still caught in a rip tide and can't make my way back to shore. 

It's not fair how he suffered with his cancer. I know it's not my fault but I still feel I should've done more. We were both so scared and sad about losing each other. He would cry and tell me he didn't want to die and he was going to miss me. What do you say to that?  All I could do was cry and tell him I didn't want him to die and I was was going to miss him so much. I didn't know how to be stronger - how to comfort him so he could be at peace. I still don't know. The only thing I could do was to hold him, be with him, so he was not alone. 

And now I am alone.

I hope there is a heaven and he is there, at peace and happy. With his Mother, Father & Sister. I hope he knows how much I love him. How much I will always love him. 

Coffee in bed

Paul used to bring me coffee & sometimes toast on the mornings. That small act made me feel loved & special. It has been so hard getting out if bed without that. So many things missing from my life without him. So it's been over a year since I've had coffee/breakfast in bed :-(

This morning I woke up around 6:30 & laid in bed with Cassie on the floor next to me & Trouble purring curled up next to me. So this frosty morning I decided to get myself some coffee & toast & climb back in bed. I checked out Pinterest & blogs & Facebook with Trouble & Cassie next to me. Feeding Cassie toast crusts & petting Trouble. Wish Paul was here - but he will never be here again & I'm still trying to figure out my new normal. 

I really miss Paul's hugs. I just wish I could have him hold me now. I feel like I am getting smaller & smaller. Weaker & weaker.

Grief is like a moving river, so that's what I mean by it's always changing. It's a strange thing to say because I'm at heart an optimistic person, but I would say in some ways it just gets worse. It's just that the more time that passes, the more you miss someone.
Michelle Williams 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/river_2.html#Bccz1lyQdJlKUyum.99

I long so much to be able to hold each other again - hurts so much I actually ache. Still feel like it just happened.