Monday, December 31, 2012
Happy New Year
2012 has been a very hard year for me. It's been hard for my family. I want to thank those who have been there for me, I love you all. 2013 is the start of a new life for me not of my own choosing but I know with the love of my family & friends I will survive. Thank you and Happy New Year.
So long 2012
Dear 2012,
You REALLY REALLY SUCKED! My heart is broken into a million pieces. And I hate you! Good riddance!
Dear 2013,
Please be nice to me. I don't think I can take any more.
Friday, December 14, 2012
The sound of breaking hearts is deafening
Another mass shooting, this time in Connecticut, this time it's little children. I know their families in shock, I know their pain is overwhelming, I know they feel a large piece of them is gone.
I know.
My tears for them mixes with my tears of my own sadness and the anguish is terrible.
I know.
Our loved ones ripped from our lives, our hearts ripped from our bodies.
Then the survivor's guilt - should I have done something differently? Could this have been prevented? I should've said "I love you" more. I should've said "I'm sorry" Why couldn't I protect them from this? Why is this happening?
Why?
I'm so sorry for you. I know you are in despair.
I know.
And yet each of our pain is truly our own.
I know.
My tears for them mixes with my tears of my own sadness and the anguish is terrible.
I know.
Our loved ones ripped from our lives, our hearts ripped from our bodies.
Then the survivor's guilt - should I have done something differently? Could this have been prevented? I should've said "I love you" more. I should've said "I'm sorry" Why couldn't I protect them from this? Why is this happening?
Why?
I'm so sorry for you. I know you are in despair.
I know.
And yet each of our pain is truly our own.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
I'm in a lot of pain today
Paul didn't want a memorial service, he wanted us to have a party. So I mustered up the will to put it together. I had the help of some awesome friends and family and it seemed to come out well.
But now that it is over, it's just made me miss him even more. He loved throwing parties, and he would've enjoyed yesterday with all his favorite people there, enjoying themselves. I managed to keep my chin up, but as the day went on, I could feel my resolve slipping away and I did my best to keep it together. I woke up this morning feeling terrible, headachy an miserable, but I tried to keep it together since my sister and her family were here. Now they have left for their long drive home and the pain is unbearable. Usually after one of our get togethers, Paul and I would sit and relax and talk about how much fun it was and about the people that came and the stories that were told and even start planning the next one. We were so intertwined that without him I just feel like half a person.
My heart aches so bad my chest physically hurts. The sadness is unbearable. I don't think I can do this.
But now that it is over, it's just made me miss him even more. He loved throwing parties, and he would've enjoyed yesterday with all his favorite people there, enjoying themselves. I managed to keep my chin up, but as the day went on, I could feel my resolve slipping away and I did my best to keep it together. I woke up this morning feeling terrible, headachy an miserable, but I tried to keep it together since my sister and her family were here. Now they have left for their long drive home and the pain is unbearable. Usually after one of our get togethers, Paul and I would sit and relax and talk about how much fun it was and about the people that came and the stories that were told and even start planning the next one. We were so intertwined that without him I just feel like half a person.
My heart aches so bad my chest physically hurts. The sadness is unbearable. I don't think I can do this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)