Another death in the family.

Spent the holiday weekend with family and friends. I'm glad I wasn't alone but I really miss Paul. Then last night my Father died. He had been sick for quite a while.  The hits just keep coming.

Double edged sword

It is a double edged sword. I was lucky enough to be in a relationship with someone who was also my best friend. It is a special thing to have someone who you know loves you, likes being with you, knows you, gets you, encourages you, respects you, accepts you, takes care of you, makes you laugh, comforts you and so much more that words can't describe AND that he knows you feel the same way about him. We were partners in crime, had adventures together, attracted to each other and liked just being together. It was a wonderful thing. That is a HUGE thing to lose. My life feels empty now, incomplete and I feel lost. I would've rather lost and arm or a leg than to lose him and the pain is more than I can bear. I am trying so hard to keep from drowning, but there are times I don't know if I'll make it.

I took a trip to spend the weekend with my sister and her family. It was hard to make the 5 hour drive all by myself, and I didn't even have my love to call on rest stops to make me feel better. It was good seeing my sister and her family, and to spend time with her, but not as much fun as a trip would usually be. We went to see our Dad, who is sick with lymphoma. We've been kinda estranged for several years, but I thought it was better to go see him, so I would have no regrets when he was gone, which looks like it could be soon. He seems to be starting to eat again, which is a good sign, maybe he'll hang around for a while longer. I feel guilty leaving his care up to my sister, but I know she can handle him better than I could. And I'm taking care of Mom. It was really hard coming back home, without him here to greet me, without him here to miss me. I miss having someone who is so close to me that can miss me and be happy to see me again. I really miss having that feeling of love. I don't know if I'm strong enough keep going, but I'm trying.

The funeral company called on Friday afternoon and said his ashes are ready. I haven't been able to bring myself to go get him. Originally Lauren was going to go with me tomorrow, but I called her and chickened out. I told her we could go Wednesday. I'll have to make myself go, no matter how hard it is. Where am I going to put him in the house until spring? He wants to be buried in an Mobil 1 oil can, but we are having a hard time finding one that large enough. So he'll be in a cardboard box. I might have to find a wooden box to put him in in the meantime. If the box where I can see it, I'm afraid it'll upset me, but I can't just shove him in the closet either. I don't know. It's all just so weird. Too weird for me. This is going to drive me crazy! It's all just too crazy for me.

Lost

I feel lost and lonely. Supposedly time is supposed to make it better - but I don't know if that's true. I don't feel like I've gotten over the loss my Nanna who passed 14 years ago, or My Aunt Diane who passed 2 years ago or Paul's sister 3 years ago or even my dog Watson 3 years ago. And now the person that meant the most in the world to me is gone - never feel his touch again. Nothing feels like its worth doing.

We and me

It's been us and we for so many years. It feels so empty being just me. It's not like he was my whole identity, but we were partners, best friends, lovers. We were always there for each other. We had each others back. Who's got my back now?
I can't even make a batch of chocolate chip cookies without getting a stomach ache - they were his favorite. Now I'll never be making them for him again

I hate this - I miss him so much my stomach is tied up in knots and I don't feel like doing anything. Nothing matters anymore.

Getting harder

When death first happens reality is distorted, it's unreal. Your mind just can't grasp it. Then as you try to do every day normal things the realization that's it's not normal. It's as abnormal as a cancer - distorted, gross, and painful. I can't imagine being happy again.

Good night my Sweetheart

The love of my life and my best friend joined his parents and sister in heaven this afternoon. I've cried so much these past weeks, my eyes are dry now. Just a terrible hollow feeling inside where my heart used to be. With my family and friends I think I'll be alright. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I don't know what day it is

It's 6am and I've been living in this hospital with Paul for over 2 weeks - I am so tired and feel so hopeless. I'm so glad I've got family around me because otherwise I would lose myself drowning in my sorrow.

Still hanging on

Paul is still hanging on. Even though the doctors say he's not in any pain I worry about it. I worry about him being frightened. I worry about him trying to hang on for me, but his body is deteriorating so there is no way he's going to get better and it's killing me to see him like this. Since they say he can still hear us I tried to tell him that I'll be alright & even though I want him to stay his body is not going to cooperate, so it's ok to go. That he can go and be with his parents and his sister and I'll see him again later. But you know he always has his own ideas.

Happy time

This is a photo of Paul in June at Ryan's first road race. I love this wonderful smile. Is there any wonder I fell in love? It helps to think of him like this.

Friday Nov 2

Paul continues to get weaker and his breathing is changing. He no longer regains consciousness and he is now on a schedule of pain medicine and a relaxer to try to keep him comfortable. I don't know what I would do without Lauren staying here with me overnights. Family is saving me.

Giving Thanks?

Now that is November I see people on FB starting thankfulness post & it's hard for me to be thankful while I'm sitting here watching my husband dying before my eyes. But I'm thankful for the 25 years we've been together and the love and laughter and tears and the warm company of friends and days of togetherness and missing each other when we are apart and and the adventures we would go on and the feeling of partnership and knowing what each other was thinking. I'm grateful for the love we shared. And now I'm even more grateful for family and friends that are helping me through this. Thank you.