Happy New Year

2012 has been a very hard year for me. It's been hard for my family. I want to thank those who have been there for me, I love you all. 2013 is the start of a new life for me not of my own choosing but I know with the love of my family & friends I will survive. Thank you and Happy New Year.

So long 2012

Dear 2012,

You REALLY REALLY SUCKED! My heart is broken into a million pieces. And I hate you! Good riddance!

Dear 2013,

Please be nice to me. I don't think I can take any more. 

The sound of breaking hearts is deafening

Another mass shooting, this time in Connecticut, this time it's little children. I know their families in shock, I know their pain is overwhelming, I know they feel a large piece of them is gone.
I know.
My tears for them mixes with my tears of my own sadness and the anguish is terrible.
I know.
Our loved ones ripped from our lives, our hearts ripped from our bodies.
Then the survivor's guilt - should I have done something differently? Could this have been prevented? I should've said "I love you" more. I should've said "I'm sorry" Why couldn't I protect them from this? Why is this happening?
Why?
I'm so sorry for you. I know you are in despair.
I know.
And yet each of our pain is truly our own.

I'm in a lot of pain today

Paul didn't want a memorial service, he wanted us to have a party. So I mustered up the will to put it together. I had the help of some awesome friends and family and it seemed to come out well.
But now that it is over, it's just made me miss him even more. He loved throwing parties, and he would've enjoyed yesterday with all his favorite people there, enjoying themselves. I managed to keep my chin up, but as the day went on, I could feel my resolve slipping away and I did my best to keep it together. I woke up this morning feeling terrible, headachy an miserable, but I tried to keep it together since my sister and her family were here. Now they have left for their long drive home and the pain is unbearable. Usually after one of our get togethers, Paul and I would sit and relax and talk about how much fun it was and about the  people that came and the stories that were told and even start planning the next one. We were so intertwined that without him I just feel like half a person.
My heart aches so bad my chest physically hurts. The sadness is unbearable. I don't think I can do this.

Another death in the family.

Spent the holiday weekend with family and friends. I'm glad I wasn't alone but I really miss Paul. Then last night my Father died. He had been sick for quite a while.  The hits just keep coming.

Double edged sword

It is a double edged sword. I was lucky enough to be in a relationship with someone who was also my best friend. It is a special thing to have someone who you know loves you, likes being with you, knows you, gets you, encourages you, respects you, accepts you, takes care of you, makes you laugh, comforts you and so much more that words can't describe AND that he knows you feel the same way about him. We were partners in crime, had adventures together, attracted to each other and liked just being together. It was a wonderful thing. That is a HUGE thing to lose. My life feels empty now, incomplete and I feel lost. I would've rather lost and arm or a leg than to lose him and the pain is more than I can bear. I am trying so hard to keep from drowning, but there are times I don't know if I'll make it.

I took a trip to spend the weekend with my sister and her family. It was hard to make the 5 hour drive all by myself, and I didn't even have my love to call on rest stops to make me feel better. It was good seeing my sister and her family, and to spend time with her, but not as much fun as a trip would usually be. We went to see our Dad, who is sick with lymphoma. We've been kinda estranged for several years, but I thought it was better to go see him, so I would have no regrets when he was gone, which looks like it could be soon. He seems to be starting to eat again, which is a good sign, maybe he'll hang around for a while longer. I feel guilty leaving his care up to my sister, but I know she can handle him better than I could. And I'm taking care of Mom. It was really hard coming back home, without him here to greet me, without him here to miss me. I miss having someone who is so close to me that can miss me and be happy to see me again. I really miss having that feeling of love. I don't know if I'm strong enough keep going, but I'm trying.

The funeral company called on Friday afternoon and said his ashes are ready. I haven't been able to bring myself to go get him. Originally Lauren was going to go with me tomorrow, but I called her and chickened out. I told her we could go Wednesday. I'll have to make myself go, no matter how hard it is. Where am I going to put him in the house until spring? He wants to be buried in an Mobil 1 oil can, but we are having a hard time finding one that large enough. So he'll be in a cardboard box. I might have to find a wooden box to put him in in the meantime. If the box where I can see it, I'm afraid it'll upset me, but I can't just shove him in the closet either. I don't know. It's all just so weird. Too weird for me. This is going to drive me crazy! It's all just too crazy for me.

Lost

I feel lost and lonely. Supposedly time is supposed to make it better - but I don't know if that's true. I don't feel like I've gotten over the loss my Nanna who passed 14 years ago, or My Aunt Diane who passed 2 years ago or Paul's sister 3 years ago or even my dog Watson 3 years ago. And now the person that meant the most in the world to me is gone - never feel his touch again. Nothing feels like its worth doing.

We and me

It's been us and we for so many years. It feels so empty being just me. It's not like he was my whole identity, but we were partners, best friends, lovers. We were always there for each other. We had each others back. Who's got my back now?
I can't even make a batch of chocolate chip cookies without getting a stomach ache - they were his favorite. Now I'll never be making them for him again

I hate this - I miss him so much my stomach is tied up in knots and I don't feel like doing anything. Nothing matters anymore.

Getting harder

When death first happens reality is distorted, it's unreal. Your mind just can't grasp it. Then as you try to do every day normal things the realization that's it's not normal. It's as abnormal as a cancer - distorted, gross, and painful. I can't imagine being happy again.

Good night my Sweetheart

The love of my life and my best friend joined his parents and sister in heaven this afternoon. I've cried so much these past weeks, my eyes are dry now. Just a terrible hollow feeling inside where my heart used to be. With my family and friends I think I'll be alright. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I don't know what day it is

It's 6am and I've been living in this hospital with Paul for over 2 weeks - I am so tired and feel so hopeless. I'm so glad I've got family around me because otherwise I would lose myself drowning in my sorrow.

Still hanging on

Paul is still hanging on. Even though the doctors say he's not in any pain I worry about it. I worry about him being frightened. I worry about him trying to hang on for me, but his body is deteriorating so there is no way he's going to get better and it's killing me to see him like this. Since they say he can still hear us I tried to tell him that I'll be alright & even though I want him to stay his body is not going to cooperate, so it's ok to go. That he can go and be with his parents and his sister and I'll see him again later. But you know he always has his own ideas.

Happy time

This is a photo of Paul in June at Ryan's first road race. I love this wonderful smile. Is there any wonder I fell in love? It helps to think of him like this.

Friday Nov 2

Paul continues to get weaker and his breathing is changing. He no longer regains consciousness and he is now on a schedule of pain medicine and a relaxer to try to keep him comfortable. I don't know what I would do without Lauren staying here with me overnights. Family is saving me.

Giving Thanks?

Now that is November I see people on FB starting thankfulness post & it's hard for me to be thankful while I'm sitting here watching my husband dying before my eyes. But I'm thankful for the 25 years we've been together and the love and laughter and tears and the warm company of friends and days of togetherness and missing each other when we are apart and and the adventures we would go on and the feeling of partnership and knowing what each other was thinking. I'm grateful for the love we shared. And now I'm even more grateful for family and friends that are helping me through this. Thank you.

Don't let there be regrets

I know people say this all the time, but you need to try to live your life with no regrets - don't let things go unsaid - that way when your loved ones are taken away from you, you know they know how you feel. A lot of times when someone dies suddenly we feel regret for not saying the things we wished we'd said and thought we had time to say. When someone dies slowly, some people feel at least they got to say what they should've said all along and got to say goodbye - but meanwhile there is suffering, so much suffering & pain that we all shouldn't have to go through.
Just say what you need to say "I love you" "I'm thankful" "I'm proud of you" "I'm sorry" and hope when you or a loved one leaves this earth it's quick and with as little pain as possible and without regret.

Numb then downing

Sometimes I feel kinda numb or almost normal but then I feel guilty for it. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Drowning in the reality of it all & I don't know if I'm going to make it. I feel like I'm losing some of myself. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Less Responsive

Paul has been less responsive and we've had to give him medicine more often because of pain and agitation. This morning when he was crying and said he didn't want to die and I wondered if I'm doing everything I can and am I making the right decisions for him. The guilt is overwhelming.

Sun 10/28

Paul continues to get weaker, he is still able to recognize everyone. He talks so softly it's do hard to hear him and he gets frustrated. I'm very tired and have lived at this hospital for 10 days with him. The nurses, doctors & hospital staff have been extremely nice & helpful. Lauren has been a godsend staying overnight with me each night - I'd go crazy by myself. Having Carol here is such a comfort. Anna has been a true friend supporting me. Thank you to everyone who has come to see him and sit with him, I know it's a great comfort to him.

Slipping Away

It is torture to watch my best friend slipping away from me. I'm tired of being at this hospital but it's worse going home and he's not there. And knowing he'll never come home. I don't know if I'll be able to stand it. How can I sleep on our bed and he not be there? A warm loving person to snuggle with, to hold onto, to tell me it's going to be alright? Paul makes me laugh, he makes me feel loved, he makes me feel missed when we are apart, he makes me feel beautiful, and makes me feel smart. He is my confidant and my partner in crime. Who am I without him?

I'd it wasn't for the love I don't know where I'd be

Our family and friends are saving me. I think I would be over the deep end by now without them. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your love. I am grateful, and thankful. I love you all.

Feelings of love

The troops are rallying around us today, and it's making me feel less alone, which is an improvement. Thanks for the hospital visits & offerings of food and for staying with Paul while I run home & take a shower & spend some quality time with our dog. Thanks to our granddaughter for staying over night at the hospital with me. I love you all.

Question: Die suddenly or know you're going die!

Is it better to to die suddenly like in a car accident or aneurysm or know you're going to die and have the chance to say everything you wanted to say?
Having a loved one suffer a terrible disease is an awful thing. So I vote die suddenly, the trick is always tell people you love them, don't stay angry and have no regrets! Then when you die suddenly there is less pain. The feeling of loss is the same only with an illness you get feel the loss before they are even gone.

Losing My Best Friend

Paul took a turn for the worse and it looks like we're not going home. I'm losing my best friend. My heart is so heavy and I don't know what I'm going to do.

Can I trust you?

The woman who talked to me about hospice today gave me a long hug before she left. It was very awkward for me because I'm not a hugger. Well, at least with people I just met - it just seems to be an intimate thing, ya know? It's very hard for me to except friendly gestures from people I don't know. I feel like I gotta look and act like I'm in control, not let people see my vulnerability. Probably because I was bullied at school as a kid and usually when the kids would act nice to me it was because they were setting me up. Definite trust issues. To make matters worse, my alcoholic father would pick on me and make fun of me when I was home - so no safe haven to be had and I turned inward. I have my husband, my best friend, whom I've turned to for comfort for over 20 years and a very small circle of friends, who sometimes I feel I don't want to burden with my problems, they got problems of their own, ya know?
So now with my husband in a hospital bed, hardly conscious, uncomfortable and barely knowing what's going on, I am feel so very, very alone. So small. This is a terrible, terrible nightmare I cannot wake up from.
And I have the feeling that it's going to get worse, before it gets worse.

FEAR ANXIETY HOPELESSNESS

I haven't been able to eat all day. I tried to eat some cereal, but could only get a few bites down. I'm so very, very scared and the person I depend on to comfort me, cannot because he is sick. He is dying and the cancer is killing him and he is scared too, so I have to act strong but the weight is killing me. What do I do now?

Tue Oct 23 no more chemo - ready for hospice

On Sunday Paul seemed like he'd be ready to go home after dialysis on Monday but then he was very weak & his heart rate was very high, they had started him on marinol for nausea pain & appetite but it just made him sleep I think. Then during dialysis his heart rate kept going up so they gave him some digitalis to bring his heart rate down, which it did. Both of these medicines have side effects of severe sleepiness, confusion, and hallucinations. Over night he was unresponsive sometimes, then agitated about things that aren't there & confused about where he was. He hasn't had the digitalis or marinol since yesterday & he seems a little more understanding of his situation but he is still very weak and sleepy. I cannot get him to eat at all and he's having trouble taking his pills. I stayed with him over night at the hospital because of his confused state & I didn't want him to be frightened. The oncologist has said we should stop chemo because it doesn't seem to be working to help his symptoms. We talked to hospice today and he'll have dialysis tomorrow and then come home.

I'm Fine

This shirt is how I feel when I say I'm fine.



http://www.roadkilltshirts.com/IM-FINE-Zombie-T-Shirt-P13214.aspx?Style=303570

Sun Oct 21 still at the hospital

 He may be coming home tomorrow, but I'm not sure. They started him on marinol (synthetic marijuana) but I don't know if its going to work out, it seems to just make him sleep deeply so you can't even talk to him, so he doesn't eat either. I'll have to talk to the dr tomorrow.

Oct 20 Stll at hospital with nausea

Last night Paul was having a lot of trouble with nausea, so they gave him phenrgan, which he had last time, but it really knocks him out and makes him listless for quite a while. So he slept through the night, but was still sleepy this morning and all day. He ate very little, and has little desire to eat. He had dialysis today. I'm hoping to get him home by Monday.

Very tired

I've been in a state of constant exhaustion since august. Every time he's in the hospital I either try to sleep on the bench seat by the window of the hospital room, extremely uncomfortable plus constantly interrupted or try to sleep by myself in our big empty bed and sleep doesn't come. When he is home, he has trouble sleeping and I am awake with him. When he is sleeping my mind is spinning in circles - what am I going to do without him? How am I going to start over? No one is going to be there to love me. Who is going to hold me and make me feel safe? Plus the extra factor of losing the income from his social security & pension. I won't be able to pay the mortgage and will probably become homeless. Along with my mother, who lives with us and a very dependent person - so I have to worry about her too. She originally came to live with us 15 years ago after her abusive husband kicked her out. - it originally was supposed to be temporary until she could get her own place, but that never happened - how can a person throw their own mother out? So the extra burden on top of everything else. Not to mention losing my job just before we found out he had cancer so I get 1/2 of my salary in unemployment. The fear of the unknown makes me constantly jumpy.
I put on a brave face for everyone and tell them I'm fine.

Why?

Why did I create this blog?

In the middle of August, my husband and I found out that he has cancer... incurable, inoperable pancreatic cancer & my life has been a sad fog of hospital stays, doctor appointments and fear of what will I do without my best friend. I've decided to create a blog about my experience with the sadness I feel, to have a place to put my feelings, since I cannot afford a shrink and keeping it stuffed inside seems to be making me feel like I'm going to explode.

This is a blog devoted to trying to survive the loss of my husband, and best friend

I don't know why I'm doing it, I'm such a private person - and a big believer in being careful of the TMI, but perhaps I need an overflow valve. So there you have it.

Oct 19, 2012 At the hospital again

At the hospital with Paul again. He was doing great yesterday morning - worked with the physical therapist and everything. But last night his nausea and throwing up made him so weak that he fell in the bathroom and I couldn't get him up and he was lethargic. So I called 911 & here we are. They are going to admit him for observation.