The woman who talked to me about hospice today gave me a long hug before she left. It was very awkward for me because I'm not a hugger. Well, at least with people I just met - it just seems to be an intimate thing, ya know? It's very hard for me to except friendly gestures from people I don't know. I feel like I gotta look and act like I'm in control, not let people see my vulnerability. Probably because I was bullied at school as a kid and usually when the kids would act nice to me it was because they were setting me up. Definite trust issues. To make matters worse, my alcoholic father would pick on me and make fun of me when I was home - so no safe haven to be had and I turned inward. I have my husband, my best friend, whom I've turned to for comfort for over 20 years and a very small circle of friends, who sometimes I feel I don't want to burden with my problems, they got problems of their own, ya know?
So now with my husband in a hospital bed, hardly conscious, uncomfortable and barely knowing what's going on, I am feel so very, very alone. So small. This is a terrible, terrible nightmare I cannot wake up from.
And I have the feeling that it's going to get worse, before it gets worse.
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