I've been in a state of constant exhaustion since august. Every time he's in the hospital I either try to sleep on the bench seat by the window of the hospital room, extremely uncomfortable plus constantly interrupted or try to sleep by myself in our big empty bed and sleep doesn't come. When he is home, he has trouble sleeping and I am awake with him. When he is sleeping my mind is spinning in circles - what am I going to do without him? How am I going to start over? No one is going to be there to love me. Who is going to hold me and make me feel safe? Plus the extra factor of losing the income from his social security & pension. I won't be able to pay the mortgage and will probably become homeless. Along with my mother, who lives with us and a very dependent person - so I have to worry about her too. She originally came to live with us 15 years ago after her abusive husband kicked her out. - it originally was supposed to be temporary until she could get her own place, but that never happened - how can a person throw their own mother out? So the extra burden on top of everything else. Not to mention losing my job just before we found out he had cancer so I get 1/2 of my salary in unemployment. The fear of the unknown makes me constantly jumpy.
I put on a brave face for everyone and tell them I'm fine.
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