So Lost

I lost my job, I lost my best friend & husband, I lost my father, and now I am losing my home. Pieces of me, chipped away. So many that I cannot recognize my life anymore - just a broken, shattered pile of pieces left. Some of those pieces gone forever and I am losing myself. I feel so small. A small, small, frightened, confused child and I am lost. So lost  I can't find my way back. Every time I try to move forward, I cannot find the right direction - each way I go I run into dead ends, road blocks, hazards, and blind alleys. I don't think I can go on any further. I am tired. So, so tired.

Loneliness

A terrible feeling of loneliness has been getting worse, and worse. I miss Paul so much, I miss having him here to embrace whenever I feel afraid and unsure. To endure the terrible and hard things with me. To help me work things out. To help me feel that everything will be ok. My depression and anxiety has caused me to avoid my situation and now things are becoming more and more messed up. I haven't been able to find a full time job or acquire enough freelance / commission work to keep up with my bills. I am being evicted because I can't pay my mortgage. I owe income taxes because I haven't been able to pay them and take care of myself, my mother, my dog, my cat. I miss having someone to share daily things with, good and bad like "some guy cut me off driving to the store today" "the sunset is beautiful today" "I was looking for my glasses and I had them on top of my head the whole time" or to go to things with, like events in town, or to the orchard, or farm market. I miss Paul not being around for wonderful family events like new babies and weddings. I can picture the smile on his face and what he would say and do, but it saddens me that he is not here to share it. I miss having someone to cook for and do things for. I miss someone telling me I look nice in the morning or smile at me and tell me I left my earrings in as I climb into bed. I am trying so hard, but I'm having trouble doing it alone. Everything hurts so much and I am ashamed and embarrassed that I cannot do things myself. I feel like I should be stronger, but I am weak and I feel overwhelmed like I am drowning in quicksand or caught in a riptide and cannot get to shore. Everything that used to bring me joy, only brings me sadness because it makes me miss having Paul here to share it with. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. It is too hard to have to deal with all of these things. To have the strength to deal with my grieving the loss of my husband plus my father, my livelihood, my home. Everything is falling apart around me and I have no money to take care of it. My car is falling apart, my house is falling apart, my lawn mower broke, my vacuum cleaner broke, my dryer broke, my well-water filter/softener system broke, I haven't gotten new glasses in over 5 years and it's getting harder to see at night. It's hard wanting to buy birthday or special event gifts and not being able to. Not being able to go out to dinner with friends and pay. I feel like I have failed and I am failing and I am paralyzed by fear and I'm not strong enough to keep going. It is making me sick and I cannot stop it. I am trying so hard, but it would be nice for something good to come my way. Can I please get a break?