Paul didn't want a memorial service, he wanted us to have a party. So I mustered up the will to put it together. I had the help of some awesome friends and family and it seemed to come out well.
But now that it is over, it's just made me miss him even more. He loved throwing parties, and he would've enjoyed yesterday with all his favorite people there, enjoying themselves. I managed to keep my chin up, but as the day went on, I could feel my resolve slipping away and I did my best to keep it together. I woke up this morning feeling terrible, headachy an miserable, but I tried to keep it together since my sister and her family were here. Now they have left for their long drive home and the pain is unbearable. Usually after one of our get togethers, Paul and I would sit and relax and talk about how much fun it was and about the people that came and the stories that were told and even start planning the next one. We were so intertwined that without him I just feel like half a person.
My heart aches so bad my chest physically hurts. The sadness is unbearable. I don't think I can do this.
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