People say it will get easier - that is what I hang on to because the thought of feeling this way for the rest of my life would be unendurable. The terrible loneliness is so painful. I cannot imagine an amputation could hurt worse than this. I miss him so much. Paul was part of my everyday and my everything and nothing has meaning anymore. I try to hang on to family and friends like a floatation device and I'm in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. Sharks are circling, wanting to feed on my sanity. Sometimes I'm so tired I feel like I cannot hang on anymore. So tired... I can end it right now and just let go & slip onto the water and let the sharks have me. Then my suffering can end & Paul and I can be together again.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Miss you more
Missing you on my birthday. Missing you on a warm spring day and the windows are open. I know how much you loved that. Missing you as the birds come to the feeder. I know how much you look forward to the return of the humming birds. Missing you on your birthday. Missing you today at the track watching your son & friends race. I'm sitting in the stands, fighting back tears as the sun and breeze hits my face. I don't want anybody to see, today isn't about me. It's so hard doing things we used to do together, thinking about what you would say or do if you were sitting next to me. You always enjoyed things with such boyish enthusiasm, that you made everything fun. And now all I feel is loss. Nothing is fun any more.
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