Not better

I'm having a very hard day today. The anniversary of Paul's death Nov 4 seems to be the start of my slide backwards. Ive been going thru periods of not being able to do anything to powering thru to catch up where I fell behind. Pretending I'm ok when I see people. It's been eating away at my sanity. Today I woke feeling anxious, sick, fearful & I haven't been able to motivate myself to do anything - even though I have many many commitments I've made and as a result many deadlines that are coming due or have past and I can't take care of because I'm paralyzed by anxiety, overwhelming feeling of drowning, and I miss Paul so very much. He made me feel loved, safe, and happy. I feel guilty that I couldn't help him more. I wish I could've been stronger for him. I tried so hard.  I try to force myself to move forward - to make myself seem ok, to try to act normal but I think it's not working. I spent most of today trying distract my mind but it's not working. I'm so tired and overwhelmed that I can't do it anymore. I'm not strong enough. I am weak. I can't do it myself and I feel ashamed that I can't take care of myself. Most of my day today has been spent crying & I can't turn it off. I feel like a scared little girl, lost and all alone.