Why the hell would I write this blog?

Why did I create this blog?

In the middle of August 2012, my husband and I found out that he has cancer... incurable, inoperable pancreatic cancer & my life has been a sad fog of hospital stays, doctor appointments and fear of what will I do without my best friend. I've decided to create a blog about my experience with the sadness I feel, to have a place to put my feelings, since I cannot afford a shrink and keeping it stuffed inside seems to be making me feel like I'm going to explode.

This is a blog devoted to trying to survive the loss of my husband, and best friend

I don't know why I'm doing it, I'm such a private person - and a big believer in being careful of the TMI, but perhaps I need an overflow valve. So there you have it.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

lonely

I miss him so much, I don't know how to deal with day to day things with out him - I am so lonely & I feel like it's getting worse, not better. Very, very painful.
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Friday, January 25, 2013

Stuck

The past few days have been very hard. It still feels like it just happened, not 2-1/2 months ago. I'm stuck in this state of  dispair. I miss him do much. I am missing a huge piece of me-like I have been disabled, severely scarred and I can't move forward. It is so painful.
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Monday, January 14, 2013

It's a wonderful thing when you marry your best friend

I really, really miss my best friend.
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Sunday, January 13, 2013

Lonely

I miss Paul so much and I feel so lonely. I cannot do anything around the house without thinking about him and missing him. I wish I could move out of this house and start over, I just feel so stuck. Even though he's been gone for over 2 months, I still feel like it just happened. The pain is unbearable.
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Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy New Year

2012 has been a very hard year for me. It's been hard for my family. I want to thank those who have been there for me, I love you all. 2013 is the start of a new life for me not of my own choosing but I know with the love of my family & friends I will survive. Thank you and Happy New Year.
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So long 2012

Dear 2012,
You REALLY REALLY SUCKED! My heart is broken into a million pieces. And I hate you! Good riddance!

Dear 2013,
Please be nice to me. I don't think I can take any more. 
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Friday, December 14, 2012

The sound of breaking hearts is deafening

Another mass shooting, this time in Connecticut, this time it's little children. I know their families in shock, I know their pain is overwhelming, I know they feel a large piece of them is gone.
I know.
My tears for them mixes with my tears of my own sadness and the anguish is terrible.
I know.
Our loved ones ripped from our lives, our hearts ripped from our bodies.
Then the survivor's guilt - should I have done something differently? Could this have been prevented? I should've said "I love you" more. I should've said "I'm sorry" Why couldn't I protect them from this? Why is this happening?
Why?
I'm so sorry for you. I know you are in despair.
I know.
And yet each of our pain is truly our own.
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