One of the things that sucks about being alone: having a bad night not sleeping well with bad dreams & having no one to tell about it in the morning. No one to give me a hug and kiss & tell me it's all ok.
Just little ol me in a big bed, with the alarm clock radio blaring at me. I guess I better get up. I miss you Paul.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Saturday, February 23, 2013
How long does it take? The devil is in the details.
Well it seems that in talking to counselors and what I read, it'll probably be at least a year that I will be feeling this way. I kinda feel like I don't have that long. It's a prison sentence for me, I might as well rob a bank, and just spend that time in prison. Well I guess robbing a bank has a longer than 1 year in jail, I'll have to find something that has a year long jail sentence.
I was thinking about amputees and the grief they feel over a lost limb, or limbs and how their lives would never be the same again. I wonder if its the same feeling, or which is worse. I feel like I've lost a large part of me, like I might've well lost a leg or an arm. I cannot imagine it hurts worse than this. I swear I feel like if satan came to me while Paul was sick and told me that I could have Paul for 10 more years in perfect health and then in 10 years when it was his time to die, it would be quick and painless, but the price would be one of my legs, I would've made that deal in an instant, without even thinking about it. Here, take my leg! I need Paul more than I need a leg, that's for sure!
I was thinking about amputees and the grief they feel over a lost limb, or limbs and how their lives would never be the same again. I wonder if its the same feeling, or which is worse. I feel like I've lost a large part of me, like I might've well lost a leg or an arm. I cannot imagine it hurts worse than this. I swear I feel like if satan came to me while Paul was sick and told me that I could have Paul for 10 more years in perfect health and then in 10 years when it was his time to die, it would be quick and painless, but the price would be one of my legs, I would've made that deal in an instant, without even thinking about it. Here, take my leg! I need Paul more than I need a leg, that's for sure!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Guilt and forgiveness
I am always riddled with guilt, that I'm not doing it right. That I should've done things differently, that I should've been stronger, braver, smarter. It's not that I don't try, I just never seem to be enough - to myself. I've always second guessed myself and that has become worse since Paul's illness & death. He was so scared and I tried so hard to take care of him and comfort him but I was also so scared I'm afraid it wasn't enough. I love him so much. I wish I could've been stronger for him.
This terrible guilt and sorrow is making me so sick, I'm finding it very difficult to function. I saw this article, and I realize that I need to figure out how to forgive myself in order to move on. But I don't know how.
http://www.purposefairy.com/5685/6-things-you-should-forgive-yourself-for/
This terrible guilt and sorrow is making me so sick, I'm finding it very difficult to function. I saw this article, and I realize that I need to figure out how to forgive myself in order to move on. But I don't know how.
http://www.purposefairy.com/5685/6-things-you-should-forgive-yourself-for/
Thursday, February 14, 2013
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