Why the hell would I write this blog?

Why did I create this blog?

In the middle of August 2012, my husband and I found out that he has cancer... incurable, inoperable pancreatic cancer & my life has been a sad fog of hospital stays, doctor appointments and fear of what will I do without my best friend. I've decided to create a blog about my experience with the sadness I feel, to have a place to put my feelings, since I cannot afford a shrink and keeping it stuffed inside seems to be making me feel like I'm going to explode.

This is a blog devoted to trying to survive the loss of my husband, and best friend

I don't know why I'm doing it, I'm such a private person - and a big believer in being careful of the TMI, but perhaps I need an overflow valve. So there you have it.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Guilt and forgiveness

I am always riddled with guilt, that I'm not doing it right. That I should've done things differently, that I should've been stronger, braver, smarter. It's not that I don't try, I just never seem to be enough - to myself. I've always second guessed myself and that has become worse since Paul's illness & death. He was so scared and I tried so hard to take care of him and comfort him but I was also so scared I'm afraid it wasn't enough. I love him so much. I wish I could've been stronger for him.
This terrible guilt and sorrow is making me so sick, I'm finding it very difficult to function. I saw this article, and I realize that I need to figure out how to forgive myself in order to move on. But I don't know how.

http://www.purposefairy.com/5685/6-things-you-should-forgive-yourself-for/
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