Growing weary of death & cancer

In January I got word that my Aunt Janet in NJ was in the hospital & they were running tests to find out what was making her sick. maybe I should've called her, but having just gone through 2 deaths with Dad and Paul - I let myself believe that she'd be alright, because it couldn't be happening again. It would've been unusual for us to talk on the phone - we would just chat whenever we saw each other at family things. I don't think I talked to her since my Aunt Diane died in 2010. My sister saw her a few times when Janet visited Dad and she kept me updated on her status. Janet was a very independent person & did what she wanted, when she wanted in her own way. It made her quite interesting, but hard to get close to. The last week of February I found out that she had cancer and she was in Hospice. I drove up to NJ to see her one last time. I sat by her bed and held her thin frail hand and we talked. A week ago she died. I drove up to NJ again on Friday for her funeral. It was a very sad weekend with the realization that out of 8 siblings in my father's family, only 4 were left. The loss is heavy in my heart and makes my loss of Paul hurt even more. I had hoped 2013 would be kind - but so far it's really making it hard.
Janet loved music so here is a photo of her dancing at my wedding over 14 years ago.

I don't understand what's going on!

Just got back from a trip to NJ to see my Aunt Janet (who is my father's younger sister) She is in hospice dying of cancer. All the loss around me. I feel like I'm just adrift in the ocean, caught in the undertow and I can't get out of it. I'm tired of swimming, trying to keep from drowning & I don't know how much more I can handle.

I'm glad I got a chance to see her, but it did make my feelings about Paul as raw as ever.

I feel so sad for my cousin losing her mother and my aunts and uncles who are losing another sibling. I should call them, but I can't bring myself to do it. It's too emotional to me. My heart hurts.