Why the hell would I write this blog?

Why did I create this blog?

In the middle of August 2012, my husband and I found out that he has cancer... incurable, inoperable pancreatic cancer & my life has been a sad fog of hospital stays, doctor appointments and fear of what will I do without my best friend. I've decided to create a blog about my experience with the sadness I feel, to have a place to put my feelings, since I cannot afford a shrink and keeping it stuffed inside seems to be making me feel like I'm going to explode.

This is a blog devoted to trying to survive the loss of my husband, and best friend

I don't know why I'm doing it, I'm such a private person - and a big believer in being careful of the TMI, but perhaps I need an overflow valve. So there you have it.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Growing weary of death & cancer

In January I got word that my Aunt Janet in NJ was in the hospital & they were running tests to find out what was making her sick. maybe I should've called her, but having just gone through 2 deaths with Dad and Paul - I let myself believe that she'd be alright, because it couldn't be happening again. It would've been unusual for us to talk on the phone - we would just chat whenever we saw each other at family things. I don't think I talked to her since my Aunt Diane died in 2010. My sister saw her a few times when Janet visited Dad and she kept me updated on her status. Janet was a very independent person & did what she wanted, when she wanted in her own way. It made her quite interesting, but hard to get close to. The last week of February I found out that she had cancer and she was in Hospice. I drove up to NJ to see her one last time. I sat by her bed and held her thin frail hand and we talked. A week ago she died. I drove up to NJ again on Friday for her funeral. It was a very sad weekend with the realization that out of 8 siblings in my father's family, only 4 were left. The loss is heavy in my heart and makes my loss of Paul hurt even more. I had hoped 2013 would be kind - but so far it's really making it hard.
Janet loved music so here is a photo of her dancing at my wedding over 14 years ago.


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