Coffee in bed

Paul used to bring me coffee & sometimes toast on the mornings. That small act made me feel loved & special. It has been so hard getting out if bed without that. So many things missing from my life without him. So it's been over a year since I've had coffee/breakfast in bed :-(

This morning I woke up around 6:30 & laid in bed with Cassie on the floor next to me & Trouble purring curled up next to me. So this frosty morning I decided to get myself some coffee & toast & climb back in bed. I checked out Pinterest & blogs & Facebook with Trouble & Cassie next to me. Feeding Cassie toast crusts & petting Trouble. Wish Paul was here - but he will never be here again & I'm still trying to figure out my new normal. 

I really miss Paul's hugs. I just wish I could have him hold me now. I feel like I am getting smaller & smaller. Weaker & weaker.

Grief is like a moving river, so that's what I mean by it's always changing. It's a strange thing to say because I'm at heart an optimistic person, but I would say in some ways it just gets worse. It's just that the more time that passes, the more you miss someone.
Michelle Williams 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/river_2.html#Bccz1lyQdJlKUyum.99

I long so much to be able to hold each other again - hurts so much I actually ache. Still feel like it just happened.

I saw a Winnie the Pooh quote on Facebook, and I thought that it described me and Paul. I started looking up quotes and they made me cry, because that's exactly how we felt about each other. We were Winnie the Pooh and Piglet, best friends.

I miss so much Paul. It's too hard to move along without you.

Am I selfish?

I grew up in Jersey, within 1/2 hour drive from the Seaside Boardwalk - the Jersey Shore. Much time in the summer spent there. It was devastated last October, during the hurricane. I was in the hospital with Paul as he lay dying. Within 3 weeds my father was gone. 3 months later my aunt passed away. I still have no full time job. When the boardwalk reopened on Memorial Day after a lot of hard work it was glimmer of hope for me. That rebuilding is possible. Moving forward is possible. Yesterday a 6 alarm fire reduced it to ash. And all I can feel is how muchore loss can I take? How could I be so selfish? Those poor people who own and work at those businesses I cant imagine having the strength to rebuild a 2nd time