Why the hell would I write this blog?

Why did I create this blog?

In the middle of August 2012, my husband and I found out that he has cancer... incurable, inoperable pancreatic cancer & my life has been a sad fog of hospital stays, doctor appointments and fear of what will I do without my best friend. I've decided to create a blog about my experience with the sadness I feel, to have a place to put my feelings, since I cannot afford a shrink and keeping it stuffed inside seems to be making me feel like I'm going to explode.

This is a blog devoted to trying to survive the loss of my husband, and best friend

I don't know why I'm doing it, I'm such a private person - and a big believer in being careful of the TMI, but perhaps I need an overflow valve. So there you have it.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Adrift at sea, alone & lost

I really miss Paul. This giant, gaping hole in my life is so painful. After being together for 25 years I had become very dependent on him and I thought that was OK because he was just as dependent on me. We had evolved into this loving symbiotic relationship that now without him I don't know how to live. Intellectually I know, but emotionally I have no clue. The way we divided up the everyday things was like this: If there was something I didn't like to do, like cleaning or mowing the lawn but Paul didn't mind, or like to do, then it became his job. If there was something he didn't like to do, like cooking or gardening then I did it, since I like cooking and gardening. And so forth. If it was something we both didn't like to do, we did it together.
We had become in sync with each other's thinking. Sometimes we would be sitting there watching TV and would think to myself "we haven't heard from so-and-so lately, maybe we should invite them over"and before I can open my mouth to say it, he would pipe up "we haven't heard form so-and-so lately, maybe we should call them and see if they want to come over". When our cat showed up and decided to stay we were trying to think of a name for her. One evening when I got home from work, she came bounding across the yard and hopped up on the fence to follow me to the door, I thought "Here comes trouble!"and I thought that would be a good name for her. When I walked into the door, and said hello to Paul, I told him I thought of a name for the cat, and before I said it he said "How about Trouble?"
Being so connected to someone and then losing that person, losing that connection, feels like I lost half of myself, and I've been trying to figure out how live without that support, that connection - it is very lonely.
I feel like we were in a boat, rowing together the waters of life, and now he is gone, I am in this boat alone, with one oar, paddling in circles, drifting farther and farther out to sea, alone. I don't know how to get back on course and I am tired, so tired.
I am really trying though - not giving up, I hope I have the strength.
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