Trying to lift

After several weeks of sinus infection then dealing with antibiotics making me sick & dealing with sinking into deeper depression, fighting it. Feeling like I'm drowning and with being sick I don't have the strength to keep afloat. Today I'm feeling a little better. Tried some yoga - trying to curb my inner critic & not getting down on myself for not doing better. We'll see how it goes.

How long will this last?

I'm still missing my best friend. It still feels like it just happened. I try to get myself to do normal things but nothing feels normal. It is all hollow. Without someone to share it with it means nothing. Everything means nothing. Taking care of the house, artwork, cooking, shopping, looking at the sunset, enjoying a nice day - all of it. No longer having someone to share all the minutiae of everyday life hurts so much. Not having him here to talk to when good things happen or if I'm having trouble making a decision or to share a joke or to share a good meal or hold onto when I'm anxious or frightened. I don't know how much more I can handle.

Alone

I feel so alone. I am so, so lonely.

Loving life - such a hard thing to do right now.

One of the most wonderful things about Paul was his his love of life. All the "little things" gave him joy. Opening up the house for the first time in the spring and letting in the warm breeze, a trip to the ice cream stand with his niece, spending time with his family, going to the track to watch his son & grandson race, watching the snow cover everything with a soft white blanket, watching a hummingbird at the feeder, relaxing in his hammock, camping, hot tubs, the beach, completing a puzzle, solitaire, good food, good wine, music, spending time with friends and laughter. He had the greatest smile and a wonderful infectious laugh. It was hard not to smile when he was around.
Now I feel empty and these things can make me miss him so much. I understand that in time, I will enjoy life again and these things will be fond memories for me - but right now they are reminders of what is missing. Like a giant crater of a sink hole where his love used to be.

When will it get easier?

People say it will get easier - that is what I hang on to because the thought of feeling this way for the rest of my life would be unendurable. The terrible loneliness is so painful. I cannot imagine an amputation could hurt worse than this. I miss him so much. Paul was part of my everyday and my everything and nothing has meaning anymore. I try to hang on to family and friends like a floatation device and I'm in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. Sharks are circling, wanting to feed on my sanity. Sometimes I'm so tired I feel like I cannot hang on anymore. So tired... I can end it right now and just let go & slip onto the water and let the sharks have me. Then my suffering can end & Paul and I can be together again.

Miss you more

Missing you on my birthday. Missing you on a warm spring day and the windows are open. I know how much you loved that. Missing you as the birds come to the feeder. I know how much you look forward to the return of the humming birds. Missing you on your birthday. Missing you today at the track watching your son & friends race. I'm sitting in the stands, fighting back tears as the sun and breeze hits my face. I don't want anybody to see, today isn't about me. It's so hard doing things we used to do together, thinking about what you would say or do if you were sitting next to me. You always enjoyed things with such boyish enthusiasm, that you made everything fun. And now all I feel is loss. Nothing is fun any more.

Treading water

I go through each day trying to move - trying to do the things I need to do. I feel like I'm alone in the ocean far from shore, swept out by a terrible undertow that I didn't see coming and if I stop moving I'll die. I remember reading this poem years ago in English class. This is how I feel.
Not Waiving but Drowing
http://www.artofeurope.com/smith/smi1.htm