When will it get easier?

People say it will get easier - that is what I hang on to because the thought of feeling this way for the rest of my life would be unendurable. The terrible loneliness is so painful. I cannot imagine an amputation could hurt worse than this. I miss him so much. Paul was part of my everyday and my everything and nothing has meaning anymore. I try to hang on to family and friends like a floatation device and I'm in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. Sharks are circling, wanting to feed on my sanity. Sometimes I'm so tired I feel like I cannot hang on anymore. So tired... I can end it right now and just let go & slip onto the water and let the sharks have me. Then my suffering can end & Paul and I can be together again.

Miss you more

Missing you on my birthday. Missing you on a warm spring day and the windows are open. I know how much you loved that. Missing you as the birds come to the feeder. I know how much you look forward to the return of the humming birds. Missing you on your birthday. Missing you today at the track watching your son & friends race. I'm sitting in the stands, fighting back tears as the sun and breeze hits my face. I don't want anybody to see, today isn't about me. It's so hard doing things we used to do together, thinking about what you would say or do if you were sitting next to me. You always enjoyed things with such boyish enthusiasm, that you made everything fun. And now all I feel is loss. Nothing is fun any more.

Treading water

I go through each day trying to move - trying to do the things I need to do. I feel like I'm alone in the ocean far from shore, swept out by a terrible undertow that I didn't see coming and if I stop moving I'll die. I remember reading this poem years ago in English class. This is how I feel.
Not Waiving but Drowing
http://www.artofeurope.com/smith/smi1.htm

April fools day

I miss Paul playing little April fools jokes on me. Nothing elaborate, just tell me little funny things to see if I believe him.

Holidays are hard

Holidays are hard without Paul - he loved any holiday - like a little kid. It was a good excuse to have chocolate. It was a good excuse to have everyone over. It was a good excuse to go out and do something. He just loved having a good time with family and friends & I miss that.

Growing weary of death & cancer

In January I got word that my Aunt Janet in NJ was in the hospital & they were running tests to find out what was making her sick. maybe I should've called her, but having just gone through 2 deaths with Dad and Paul - I let myself believe that she'd be alright, because it couldn't be happening again. It would've been unusual for us to talk on the phone - we would just chat whenever we saw each other at family things. I don't think I talked to her since my Aunt Diane died in 2010. My sister saw her a few times when Janet visited Dad and she kept me updated on her status. Janet was a very independent person & did what she wanted, when she wanted in her own way. It made her quite interesting, but hard to get close to. The last week of February I found out that she had cancer and she was in Hospice. I drove up to NJ to see her one last time. I sat by her bed and held her thin frail hand and we talked. A week ago she died. I drove up to NJ again on Friday for her funeral. It was a very sad weekend with the realization that out of 8 siblings in my father's family, only 4 were left. The loss is heavy in my heart and makes my loss of Paul hurt even more. I had hoped 2013 would be kind - but so far it's really making it hard.
Janet loved music so here is a photo of her dancing at my wedding over 14 years ago.

I don't understand what's going on!

Just got back from a trip to NJ to see my Aunt Janet (who is my father's younger sister) She is in hospice dying of cancer. All the loss around me. I feel like I'm just adrift in the ocean, caught in the undertow and I can't get out of it. I'm tired of swimming, trying to keep from drowning & I don't know how much more I can handle.

I'm glad I got a chance to see her, but it did make my feelings about Paul as raw as ever.

I feel so sad for my cousin losing her mother and my aunts and uncles who are losing another sibling. I should call them, but I can't bring myself to do it. It's too emotional to me. My heart hurts.