Holidays are hard

Holidays are hard without Paul - he loved any holiday - like a little kid. It was a good excuse to have chocolate. It was a good excuse to have everyone over. It was a good excuse to go out and do something. He just loved having a good time with family and friends & I miss that.

Growing weary of death & cancer

In January I got word that my Aunt Janet in NJ was in the hospital & they were running tests to find out what was making her sick. maybe I should've called her, but having just gone through 2 deaths with Dad and Paul - I let myself believe that she'd be alright, because it couldn't be happening again. It would've been unusual for us to talk on the phone - we would just chat whenever we saw each other at family things. I don't think I talked to her since my Aunt Diane died in 2010. My sister saw her a few times when Janet visited Dad and she kept me updated on her status. Janet was a very independent person & did what she wanted, when she wanted in her own way. It made her quite interesting, but hard to get close to. The last week of February I found out that she had cancer and she was in Hospice. I drove up to NJ to see her one last time. I sat by her bed and held her thin frail hand and we talked. A week ago she died. I drove up to NJ again on Friday for her funeral. It was a very sad weekend with the realization that out of 8 siblings in my father's family, only 4 were left. The loss is heavy in my heart and makes my loss of Paul hurt even more. I had hoped 2013 would be kind - but so far it's really making it hard.
Janet loved music so here is a photo of her dancing at my wedding over 14 years ago.

I don't understand what's going on!

Just got back from a trip to NJ to see my Aunt Janet (who is my father's younger sister) She is in hospice dying of cancer. All the loss around me. I feel like I'm just adrift in the ocean, caught in the undertow and I can't get out of it. I'm tired of swimming, trying to keep from drowning & I don't know how much more I can handle.

I'm glad I got a chance to see her, but it did make my feelings about Paul as raw as ever.

I feel so sad for my cousin losing her mother and my aunts and uncles who are losing another sibling. I should call them, but I can't bring myself to do it. It's too emotional to me. My heart hurts.

Grumpy wake up

One of the things that sucks about being alone: having a bad night not sleeping well with bad dreams & having no one to tell about it in the morning. No one to give me a hug and kiss & tell me it's all ok.
Just little ol me in a big bed, with the alarm clock radio blaring at me. I guess I better get up. I miss you Paul.

How long does it take? The devil is in the details.

Well it seems that in talking to counselors and what I read, it'll probably be at least a year that I will be feeling this way. I kinda feel like I don't have that long. It's a prison sentence for me, I might as well rob a bank, and just spend that time in prison. Well I guess robbing a bank has a longer than 1 year in jail, I'll have to find something that has a year long jail sentence.

I was thinking about amputees and the grief they feel over a lost limb, or limbs and how their lives would never be the same again. I wonder if its the same feeling, or which is worse. I feel like I've lost a large part of me, like I might've well lost a leg or an arm. I cannot imagine it hurts worse than this. I swear I feel like if satan came to me while Paul was sick and told me that I could have Paul for 10 more years in perfect health and then in 10 years when it was his time to die, it would be quick and painless, but the price would be one of my legs, I would've made that deal in an instant, without even thinking about it. Here, take my leg! I need Paul more than I need a leg, that's for sure!

Guilt and forgiveness

I am always riddled with guilt, that I'm not doing it right. That I should've done things differently, that I should've been stronger, braver, smarter. It's not that I don't try, I just never seem to be enough - to myself. I've always second guessed myself and that has become worse since Paul's illness & death. He was so scared and I tried so hard to take care of him and comfort him but I was also so scared I'm afraid it wasn't enough. I love him so much. I wish I could've been stronger for him.
This terrible guilt and sorrow is making me so sick, I'm finding it very difficult to function. I saw this article, and I realize that I need to figure out how to forgive myself in order to move on. But I don't know how.

http://www.purposefairy.com/5685/6-things-you-should-forgive-yourself-for/

I miss you my love

Happy Valentines Day, my Love. I miss you and love you very much.