A year ago today

A year ago today I lost my best friend. I held him in my arms, kissed him and told him I loved him as he died. It doesn't feel like it was a whole year ago - feels like it just happened and I miss him so much. I still don't know what I'm going to do now. I still don't know how to live. Still caught in a rip tide and can't make my way back to shore. 

It's not fair how he suffered with his cancer. I know it's not my fault but I still feel I should've done more. We were both so scared and sad about losing each other. He would cry and tell me he didn't want to die and he was going to miss me. What do you say to that?  All I could do was cry and tell him I didn't want him to die and I was was going to miss him so much. I didn't know how to be stronger - how to comfort him so he could be at peace. I still don't know. The only thing I could do was to hold him, be with him, so he was not alone. 

And now I am alone.

I hope there is a heaven and he is there, at peace and happy. With his Mother, Father & Sister. I hope he knows how much I love him. How much I will always love him. 

Coffee in bed

Paul used to bring me coffee & sometimes toast on the mornings. That small act made me feel loved & special. It has been so hard getting out if bed without that. So many things missing from my life without him. So it's been over a year since I've had coffee/breakfast in bed :-(

This morning I woke up around 6:30 & laid in bed with Cassie on the floor next to me & Trouble purring curled up next to me. So this frosty morning I decided to get myself some coffee & toast & climb back in bed. I checked out Pinterest & blogs & Facebook with Trouble & Cassie next to me. Feeding Cassie toast crusts & petting Trouble. Wish Paul was here - but he will never be here again & I'm still trying to figure out my new normal. 

I really miss Paul's hugs. I just wish I could have him hold me now. I feel like I am getting smaller & smaller. Weaker & weaker.

Grief is like a moving river, so that's what I mean by it's always changing. It's a strange thing to say because I'm at heart an optimistic person, but I would say in some ways it just gets worse. It's just that the more time that passes, the more you miss someone.
Michelle Williams 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/river_2.html#Bccz1lyQdJlKUyum.99

I long so much to be able to hold each other again - hurts so much I actually ache. Still feel like it just happened.

I saw a Winnie the Pooh quote on Facebook, and I thought that it described me and Paul. I started looking up quotes and they made me cry, because that's exactly how we felt about each other. We were Winnie the Pooh and Piglet, best friends.

I miss so much Paul. It's too hard to move along without you.

Am I selfish?

I grew up in Jersey, within 1/2 hour drive from the Seaside Boardwalk - the Jersey Shore. Much time in the summer spent there. It was devastated last October, during the hurricane. I was in the hospital with Paul as he lay dying. Within 3 weeds my father was gone. 3 months later my aunt passed away. I still have no full time job. When the boardwalk reopened on Memorial Day after a lot of hard work it was glimmer of hope for me. That rebuilding is possible. Moving forward is possible. Yesterday a 6 alarm fire reduced it to ash. And all I can feel is how muchore loss can I take? How could I be so selfish? Those poor people who own and work at those businesses I cant imagine having the strength to rebuild a 2nd time

Adrift at sea, alone & lost

I really miss Paul. This giant, gaping hole in my life is so painful. After being together for 25 years I had become very dependent on him and I thought that was OK because he was just as dependent on me. We had evolved into this loving symbiotic relationship that now without him I don't know how to live. Intellectually I know, but emotionally I have no clue. The way we divided up the everyday things was like this: If there was something I didn't like to do, like cleaning or mowing the lawn but Paul didn't mind, or like to do, then it became his job. If there was something he didn't like to do, like cooking or gardening then I did it, since I like cooking and gardening. And so forth. If it was something we both didn't like to do, we did it together.
We had become in sync with each other's thinking. Sometimes we would be sitting there watching TV and would think to myself "we haven't heard from so-and-so lately, maybe we should invite them over"and before I can open my mouth to say it, he would pipe up "we haven't heard form so-and-so lately, maybe we should call them and see if they want to come over". When our cat showed up and decided to stay we were trying to think of a name for her. One evening when I got home from work, she came bounding across the yard and hopped up on the fence to follow me to the door, I thought "Here comes trouble!"and I thought that would be a good name for her. When I walked into the door, and said hello to Paul, I told him I thought of a name for the cat, and before I said it he said "How about Trouble?"
Being so connected to someone and then losing that person, losing that connection, feels like I lost half of myself, and I've been trying to figure out how live without that support, that connection - it is very lonely.
I feel like we were in a boat, rowing together the waters of life, and now he is gone, I am in this boat alone, with one oar, paddling in circles, drifting farther and farther out to sea, alone. I don't know how to get back on course and I am tired, so tired.
I am really trying though - not giving up, I hope I have the strength.

Interviews

Looking for a full time job is tough & the interview process has gotten harder since I interviewed 12 years ago. The personality questions really catch me off guard. I should probably go through a list of these questions and study and practice. I always seem to think they will ask me more about my past job experiences, what I did, what I know how to do. Those questions I can answer.
Questions like
What did you like most about your last position? Ok that one is not that hard
What did you like least about your last position? This one is hard, because it's basically asking you to be negative, which seems counter productive.
What are you most proud of? That one is hard for me, especially after all these years of working. I don't keep a list, or gloat. I'm glad when I have a good day, when things go well, and the end result is a satisfactory one. Each day is a new day with new challenges.   :::shrug:::
Do you consider yourself a leader or follower?
I hate that question because I don't like the concept of leader and follower. Especially since follower has become a negative connotation. But what good does it do to have too many chiefs? To me I like the idea of a team. Some people are the organizers & motivators, but everyone is important and I've served in both roles and have no problem with one or the other. Probably the big thing I would trouble with being a "Leader" would be if I was expected to "keep people in line" Which if we are all adults, shouldn't be needed.
Drives me crazy.
Plus, I've gotten comments on several interviews that the position doesn't entail a lot of design, even though they advertised for a designer, they really just want someone who knows how to use the design programs to put things together. Well the reason people learn design programs is so that they can design. Hmmm...
Unfortunately I have no Paul here to share all this with.

Trying to lift

After several weeks of sinus infection then dealing with antibiotics making me sick & dealing with sinking into deeper depression, fighting it. Feeling like I'm drowning and with being sick I don't have the strength to keep afloat. Today I'm feeling a little better. Tried some yoga - trying to curb my inner critic & not getting down on myself for not doing better. We'll see how it goes.

How long will this last?

I'm still missing my best friend. It still feels like it just happened. I try to get myself to do normal things but nothing feels normal. It is all hollow. Without someone to share it with it means nothing. Everything means nothing. Taking care of the house, artwork, cooking, shopping, looking at the sunset, enjoying a nice day - all of it. No longer having someone to share all the minutiae of everyday life hurts so much. Not having him here to talk to when good things happen or if I'm having trouble making a decision or to share a joke or to share a good meal or hold onto when I'm anxious or frightened. I don't know how much more I can handle.

Alone

I feel so alone. I am so, so lonely.

Loving life - such a hard thing to do right now.

One of the most wonderful things about Paul was his his love of life. All the "little things" gave him joy. Opening up the house for the first time in the spring and letting in the warm breeze, a trip to the ice cream stand with his niece, spending time with his family, going to the track to watch his son & grandson race, watching the snow cover everything with a soft white blanket, watching a hummingbird at the feeder, relaxing in his hammock, camping, hot tubs, the beach, completing a puzzle, solitaire, good food, good wine, music, spending time with friends and laughter. He had the greatest smile and a wonderful infectious laugh. It was hard not to smile when he was around.
Now I feel empty and these things can make me miss him so much. I understand that in time, I will enjoy life again and these things will be fond memories for me - but right now they are reminders of what is missing. Like a giant crater of a sink hole where his love used to be.

When will it get easier?

People say it will get easier - that is what I hang on to because the thought of feeling this way for the rest of my life would be unendurable. The terrible loneliness is so painful. I cannot imagine an amputation could hurt worse than this. I miss him so much. Paul was part of my everyday and my everything and nothing has meaning anymore. I try to hang on to family and friends like a floatation device and I'm in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. Sharks are circling, wanting to feed on my sanity. Sometimes I'm so tired I feel like I cannot hang on anymore. So tired... I can end it right now and just let go & slip onto the water and let the sharks have me. Then my suffering can end & Paul and I can be together again.

Miss you more

Missing you on my birthday. Missing you on a warm spring day and the windows are open. I know how much you loved that. Missing you as the birds come to the feeder. I know how much you look forward to the return of the humming birds. Missing you on your birthday. Missing you today at the track watching your son & friends race. I'm sitting in the stands, fighting back tears as the sun and breeze hits my face. I don't want anybody to see, today isn't about me. It's so hard doing things we used to do together, thinking about what you would say or do if you were sitting next to me. You always enjoyed things with such boyish enthusiasm, that you made everything fun. And now all I feel is loss. Nothing is fun any more.

Treading water

I go through each day trying to move - trying to do the things I need to do. I feel like I'm alone in the ocean far from shore, swept out by a terrible undertow that I didn't see coming and if I stop moving I'll die. I remember reading this poem years ago in English class. This is how I feel.
Not Waiving but Drowing
http://www.artofeurope.com/smith/smi1.htm

April fools day

I miss Paul playing little April fools jokes on me. Nothing elaborate, just tell me little funny things to see if I believe him.

Holidays are hard

Holidays are hard without Paul - he loved any holiday - like a little kid. It was a good excuse to have chocolate. It was a good excuse to have everyone over. It was a good excuse to go out and do something. He just loved having a good time with family and friends & I miss that.

Growing weary of death & cancer

In January I got word that my Aunt Janet in NJ was in the hospital & they were running tests to find out what was making her sick. maybe I should've called her, but having just gone through 2 deaths with Dad and Paul - I let myself believe that she'd be alright, because it couldn't be happening again. It would've been unusual for us to talk on the phone - we would just chat whenever we saw each other at family things. I don't think I talked to her since my Aunt Diane died in 2010. My sister saw her a few times when Janet visited Dad and she kept me updated on her status. Janet was a very independent person & did what she wanted, when she wanted in her own way. It made her quite interesting, but hard to get close to. The last week of February I found out that she had cancer and she was in Hospice. I drove up to NJ to see her one last time. I sat by her bed and held her thin frail hand and we talked. A week ago she died. I drove up to NJ again on Friday for her funeral. It was a very sad weekend with the realization that out of 8 siblings in my father's family, only 4 were left. The loss is heavy in my heart and makes my loss of Paul hurt even more. I had hoped 2013 would be kind - but so far it's really making it hard.
Janet loved music so here is a photo of her dancing at my wedding over 14 years ago.

I don't understand what's going on!

Just got back from a trip to NJ to see my Aunt Janet (who is my father's younger sister) She is in hospice dying of cancer. All the loss around me. I feel like I'm just adrift in the ocean, caught in the undertow and I can't get out of it. I'm tired of swimming, trying to keep from drowning & I don't know how much more I can handle.

I'm glad I got a chance to see her, but it did make my feelings about Paul as raw as ever.

I feel so sad for my cousin losing her mother and my aunts and uncles who are losing another sibling. I should call them, but I can't bring myself to do it. It's too emotional to me. My heart hurts.

Grumpy wake up

One of the things that sucks about being alone: having a bad night not sleeping well with bad dreams & having no one to tell about it in the morning. No one to give me a hug and kiss & tell me it's all ok.
Just little ol me in a big bed, with the alarm clock radio blaring at me. I guess I better get up. I miss you Paul.

How long does it take? The devil is in the details.

Well it seems that in talking to counselors and what I read, it'll probably be at least a year that I will be feeling this way. I kinda feel like I don't have that long. It's a prison sentence for me, I might as well rob a bank, and just spend that time in prison. Well I guess robbing a bank has a longer than 1 year in jail, I'll have to find something that has a year long jail sentence.

I was thinking about amputees and the grief they feel over a lost limb, or limbs and how their lives would never be the same again. I wonder if its the same feeling, or which is worse. I feel like I've lost a large part of me, like I might've well lost a leg or an arm. I cannot imagine it hurts worse than this. I swear I feel like if satan came to me while Paul was sick and told me that I could have Paul for 10 more years in perfect health and then in 10 years when it was his time to die, it would be quick and painless, but the price would be one of my legs, I would've made that deal in an instant, without even thinking about it. Here, take my leg! I need Paul more than I need a leg, that's for sure!

Guilt and forgiveness

I am always riddled with guilt, that I'm not doing it right. That I should've done things differently, that I should've been stronger, braver, smarter. It's not that I don't try, I just never seem to be enough - to myself. I've always second guessed myself and that has become worse since Paul's illness & death. He was so scared and I tried so hard to take care of him and comfort him but I was also so scared I'm afraid it wasn't enough. I love him so much. I wish I could've been stronger for him.
This terrible guilt and sorrow is making me so sick, I'm finding it very difficult to function. I saw this article, and I realize that I need to figure out how to forgive myself in order to move on. But I don't know how.

http://www.purposefairy.com/5685/6-things-you-should-forgive-yourself-for/

I miss you my love

Happy Valentines Day, my Love. I miss you and love you very much.

lonely

I miss him so much, I don't know how to deal with day to day things with out him - I am so lonely & I feel like it's getting worse, not better. Very, very painful.

Stuck

The past few days have been very hard. It still feels like it just happened, not 2-1/2 months ago. I'm stuck in this state of  dispair. I miss him do much. I am missing a huge piece of me-like I have been disabled, severely scarred and I can't move forward. It is so painful.

It's a wonderful thing when you marry your best friend

I really, really miss my best friend.

Lonely

I miss Paul so much and I feel so lonely. I cannot do anything around the house without thinking about him and missing him. I wish I could move out of this house and start over, I just feel so stuck. Even though he's been gone for over 2 months, I still feel like it just happened. The pain is unbearable.